sorry closing the site

Designing my new website. This blog is closing to the public soon sorry.

luck in the date scene

Well, after the disastrous coffee date. I finally found a man who is cute, smart, great business savy bullshitter, who owns his own place, athletic ice hockey player and above all #1 concern....normal/no drama. He does have pretty good biceps but he doesn't kiss them. Thank god.

I guess things do come to those who wait. Not to settle for losers.

Gifts from his b-trips, endless kisses and opening my door every single time .holding my hand during the kings game at the rink... I am not complaining.
Even put gas in my car...

He knows difference of J-food and Thai food are not the same. He likes my cooking, no complains. and tolerates my corky self.

keeper...def.... keeper (*^ _ ^*) yay!!!!!! let's see how long it will last...

Coffee date gone WAY WRONG!!!

To pass my time of boredom, I recently went online again to find interesting people to meet. Well, let me tell you about the coffee date today.

The guy was white Caucasian, a haole 6ft4. He looked like ... not so good in picture,but I said "Hey, what the hell! It's only a coffee date?"

So I went to the coffee shop not expecting anything but to see a buff/ FAT guy in front of S-bucks. He.... did not look anything like his picture.

To be exact he look 3x wider than his picture. Then he had the most annoying voice. That sounds JUST WRONG!!! LOL He was trying to make all these jokes and he just sounded like a efing jerk. NO WONDER HE HAS BEEN ONLINE for such a long time.

The thing is he actually thought he was HOT. Now I've known coffee dates to be some what civil and just a friendly chat to say hello and find a little about each other.

The Haole was SO into himself, he was kissing his biceps in front of me then showing off his chest and checking it out, then stretched to show his beer belly.

ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! YUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK! WTF!

WHAT A EFING IDIOT!!!:::!""""!"!"!"#IR:OIETgpoitesp9fd tewghrv aeiuhd

The coffee date lasted 20 min. He said maybe we should go somewhere another time...

Trying to be nice I said "yah.... maybe... nice meeting you......(went into my car and yelled) NOT!!!!"

EEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU. I was so upset I called my sis, my GF, talked to my neighbors next door, my other friend and the other potential date.

I should write/draw a book. The art of online dating... animated...

The haole was actually kissing his efing biceps in front of me MORE THAN ONCE.
SO SO WRONG....

OK! STAY OPTIMISTIC
Next is a Buenos Aires guy.... let's hope to god he's at least a little better than the haole.

goodnight.

best time of my life at vegas

My sista and Best friend and I went to Vegas last weekend. Need I say more. Best time eva.

Pool parties with total strangers, drinking from morning til... well forever.

Gamble with funny comical asian old hawaiians. Life was wonderful.


gotta go BACK..... SOON!!!

today was a beautiful day

I baked at the beach today. I saw a sea lion and two dolphins. Pretty awesome.

Joining online dating again was a mistake. I hate it. Is it just me? or I just don't find any of them attractive. The only guy I thought was good looking was the guy from POF site. but that went sour a month ago... I miss the sexy guy, what can I say but I am not one to pursue if the other party's not that interested. Dude, I will not chase, never did and never will. I was always one to BE chased. so that's that. I will not beg either.

I give up.

I really have to find another outlet for meeting new people.

I don't know...what to do... Why the hell am I wasting time on this? Passing the time looking at gross fat men or asian gorilla looking men..???
Trying to find someone decent???


I probably need to get laid. LOL.

Back to square one...

I was trying to sleep

Labor day weekend.
Friday I came home from work and just relaxed.
Saturday I just vegetated at the beach alone with my ipod and my bikini watching the life guard's sexy body.
Then at night:
I babysat my nephew and niece...and got so bored I joined M.com to see what online dating service has to offer me this time and disappointed with getting hits after hits of just gross looking men.
Today:
I went to the beach today for my bro in law's 20th beach volleyball tourney in MBeach. There were about 70+ people, mostly all white people with few exceptions. All nice and very Socal. Unfortunately, sun never came out but it was fun with the fam and friends gathered for this big event. The margarita was strong though.. I had fun watching and just relaxing at the beach.

Lately:
I've been so busy with work that I forgot what "fun" was. Working and trying to find furniture for my new apartment takes most of my time these days. At night I fall asleep on my desk sometimes reading emails. I still have to send out newsletter to my dear friends, but have no energy or motivation to write interesting subjects... I always think of something to say as usual but just not motivated enough yet.

My sister asked what I'm doing to meet new people meaning the opposite sex... Well, not much... maybe down to zero... unless a good catch comes my way somewhere somehow...

With all that in mind while gray hairs increase...I was having trouble to sleep tonight... then right when I was just about to go to sleep... someone calls...a blocked caller. I answered and no answer.... I said hello maybe 5 times then hung up... My curiosity of who it might of been made me fully awake... unable to sleep... damn it... so much for sweet dreams...

...

So sad so young...

I just heard that my sis's bestfriend's brother passed in his sleep..at 29... It makes me sad and really disturbed. He was so young... I feel my lungs squeeze like when you have a broken heart... suffocation... I pray for his rebirth and hope in his next life he will truly be able to live happy long life.

Life is so precious. I have to get out of my cob web and feel free from the past. So I don't regret life and be able to finally live to the fullest... You never know what will happen next... you really don't...

My first guest for sleep over in my new apartment...

My niece Hana called on my cel to ask if she could come over for sleep over at "auntie m's" house. Hana (6 years old) and I went to baskin robbins tonight to eat her favorite dessert "mint chocolate chip" ice cream and then went to Macy's home to test out the different beds together to see which is good. The sales guy said simmons is the best they have. I kinda liked serta too but oh well.
Then we came back to watch bootleg of "Nanny McPhee 2" at home and now Hana is sound asleep next to me. My first sleep over guest Miss lil lady Hana. An angel next to me while I sleep, what a wonderful world.

I have a bug in my tummy

I ache in my tummy. Doc says to take pepto and gatorade. Why is it that I take care of people but when I am in pain no one is here to help me... sigh...

Tonight was...

interesting...

I went to the B clan house to do laundry. My bro in law and I watched the pre-game and ate thai food. We had a good time. I stuffed my face so much to the point I am too full to go to sleep. I feel the food is up to my throat.

My friend is going through a really ugly break up. Oh... it just does not look good... I try not to get in too deep. I really can't help her... I can only listen...

Whenever I have friends in pain, I start to analysis my life and surroundings and how I feel lately.

I am pretty good. I am living by the beach where I can literally hear crashing waves from my window. I actually like my job and the people there which is VERY rare. I am close to my family. My neighbors are great. I try not to regret anything that happened in the past and try to move on. No more stalking emails... tranquility surrounds me.
I went to see soccer and my friend is giving me her bicycle soon. and I finally have new sunglasses...

If I can think of one thing, I regret that I didn't give a particular person a chance to reclaim his side of the story. I regret that I lost my temper over a stupid conversation.
For some reason, this man keeps popping in my head lately... like it's undone. There is still something unfinished with him. It feels so weird. I can't get him out...of my mind... maybe it is just a delusion my heart plays on me.
maybe I just miss the grin and cuddling... who knows...

I come home to watch the sunset

Everyday after work, I feel my stress uplifted by the beauty of the sunset. I walked/jogged on the beach afterwards watching the sun slowly come down into the blue ocean. Everyone's in hawaii right now... but it's ok... I have the beach too...

and....

There was a beautiful asian well fit body flaunting his upper torso jogging in front of me, too....

i.....

I LOVE THE BEACH!

OH YEAH...

I love watching sweaty men run around in front of me LOL

Well, you guessed it. I went to the chivas soccer game. It was... so so. My GF N and I had lots of fun watching them warm up in front of us. Pretty good seats. While I meant by watching warm ups were .... N and I loved watching them stretch and really showing off their booties in front of us.
OMG, I love soccer.
It's good they don't have any padding like football.LOL
My GF N like # 23... she said he's yummy!!!

I say.... ehh....
David Villa looks betta.

5th day... loving it!

So, I have been in my new apartment for 5 days and just loving the peace and quiet with the waves of the ocean. My friend came to have a drink at my house and she loved it as well! We brought cups with wine at the beach and watched the sunset. It was so nice and tranquil.

My neighbors are pretty cool. My landlord is awesome and friendly.He gave me and my friend a beer again. I definitely have to get him some J-food or something.
I could hear my neighbor's music sometimes but it's OK. I just hope I don't hear anything else ha ha.

Thinking to go back online again... but I don't know...have not found myself having a good experience expect one man who is unfortunately gone to Japan for a rock concert. I am also trying to find a different way to meet new people, which is hard...I wish I can meet people who are intellectual and have goals in life like I do. Not flimsy and indecisive. No baggage and doesn't talk so much about the last GF and the past. I hope I meet someone who is living the now and the future.
That would be nice for once.
It's so boring to go on a date and the date is talking about the EX, too redundant. I have understood that if any guys says they are a romantic ... they aren't...
and I don't have time to be mothering emotionally unstable souls. I need to be loved and receive 100% attention. I deserve it, cuz I am a damn good woman with the full package, LOL!

So, I love where I am at here in my new address. I could walk on the beach everyday. watch the sun set in pink and orange. Walk to cute shops and restaurants and even walk to the pier if I wanted. I Just feel relaxed when I get home. Saturday, it's the Chivas vs Seattle soccer game which I have been looking forward to see live!
Maybe my bro can help me get a new mattress because the one I bought at ikea is making my lower back hurt. I hope i can return it.

Overall, it's all good. no nightmares. no stalkers.

So I am here..

I finally have moved into my new apartment. I hear the ocean waves from my window. Yes, I actually hear and see the ocean from my window.

My landlord thought I was 26. I am glad my Asian genes have been well kept. My new neighbor Mr. R, landlord MR. L, sis, niece, and nephew all went to the beach together today. It was a beautiful day and we just walk two min. walk two min to go back. I swam with the kids. My landlord gave me a beer, he happens to be an acquaintance of my bro in law from beach volleyball, so it's all good.

So, I did find the perfect apartment. My high school friend K also gave me 4 tickets to the soccer game next Saturday. Chivas vs Seattle I think. That's just awesome. My GF N is coming with me. The other two prob.. my co worker...

Wow, I guess I did get what I set out to from half a year ago. Now I just have to find some good looking male candidates to spend quality time with. LOL.

School is finally over so I will be working out at the beach again. Just peachy..

Life is good.... life is good...

August 6

I woke up that 5:30am today. I had a nightmare. Sometimes I feel so insecure. I feel so unaccomplished. I ask frequently.."what happened?" "what did you do to your life?" "why did you leave it behind?" "what is it that you want in life?"

Sometimes I can't believe at myself leaving my life of music behind and pursuing a life that might not bloom or flourish... I mean look at me right now... with an admin job to pay the bills, going to school night time but not really learning anything from it as I like. Not getting a creative job and making twice or three time less than when I was in Japan...

The fact of being able to live alone by the beach and being close to family is probably the only good thing going.

I am disappointed in where I am in life. Even the men I date are... how can I put it, not intellectually compatible. None of them motivate me enough to stay interested.
The fact of telling myself "This time I am starting from scratch ground zero so things can't get any worse" is almost like a broken record.

I really hope that I will be able to step forward by this move. Leave the past behind and really move on with my life.

I should put a limit on my career path.. like if I don't succeed as a creative graphic designer by two-three years... I should go back to Japan and return to music business.
or like if I don't find a person to share my life with in 2-3 years... f*** the dream of making family...just have boy toys to play with.

Why so pessimistic? I guess it's frustration of not making money like I used to... Still bitter about disrespect. Wearing a suit to work... Having a 9-5 job... wearing a plastic mask everyday so I don't show face.. not being who I am...

oh well... from next week I will just have to contemplate about life watching the ocean from my window. or just walk to the beach I guess... I already bought me some red wine to compliment the mood. I guess I did get what I want. Being closer to my sis.. and a pad at the beach...Being able to live as a regular girl with hope... now I just have to work on like condiments such as boyfriends... yes with a "s".

and lastly not be so bored with life...

finals this week.

I am just busy busy busy. Finishing up final exams for school, cleaning my apartment before I move in. Working at the job staffing co. while trying to do the website. Now I am teaching an intern from Japan for 4wks... yeah.... I can't wait til' I am totally situated in my new home. I also might go out on Thurs with my gf A for some green drinks.
plus that dating here and there when time permits me to do so.

I am overall happy though. I can't complain. I get to hear sounds of the oceans waves from my window. Actually you can see the ocean from my window. So... yeah... life is good.

Last week I went on a dinner date. It was a pleasant date full of laughs. Though I have no interest in getting serious and the other party might be thinking otherwise. He came in a suit... looked good... but too bad I am not physically that attracted to him. He did tickle my heart with his thoughtful words. Maybe it's a combination of both physical and emotional that will grow in time. I don't know...

The greatest part was that we had a great conversation and he wasn't looking at me like bait.

He knows how to treat a j woman, not like others. Libra year of the sheep 40 years old... astrologically the worst combination for my sign. oh well....

I'm excited and scared

I got my keys to my new apartment by the beach. I need to go measure tomorrow and put in some boxes.
Oh my god, I have a place of my own now... wow...

Moving.. next week

My dream to live walking distance to the beach is almost complete.
Next week I will sign a contract for a tiny loft "1" block away from the beach.
I can also walk to trader joe's, coffee shops, restaurants, yoga, bristol farm, cute shops and etc.

It's even pet friendly if I want a pet.

Then when I have enough money, I am going to buy my self a bicycle to cruise on beach walk.

I can even see the ocean from my windows for less than 1000 mo. I guess some things are good.

Finally on my own... yay!!!

Trying to move on.

I went to Venice beach today. Trying to feel the vibe if I like to live there.
Well, I guess I am not ready yet to venture out.
I also looked for a new pair of shades because I had left it behind...I wish I could get it back...
It's hard to find shades that I like.
it's even harder to find a watch with mickey mouse in it.
I am kind of disappointed that it was not sent back to me.

I think I'll be moving into my new place next month in RB. If things goes well I'll be one block away from the beach in a tiny studio w/ a loft. Enough to fit me and only me.

yah,
My first goal I made to myself will be accomplished.

work work work so I don't feel

Monster ad header for interplace inc. Design by me

Consultants at work were specialists not only for work. The ladies gave me tutorials of how to catch the right fish.
1. Never say you know how to cook.
2. Never say you know how to massage.
3. Never say you know how to clean.
4. Always have the fish pay for you cuz' you are a divine delicacy from the exquisite and rich high quality J islands.
Because, once you do any of the above the fish will make you bait not mate.

I wished I knew them a little earlier...hard lessons learned...I am an exotic delicacy that should not be easily caught...

latest project interplace inc.

Logo Design for Interplace, inc. staffing agency, my first design work for my work.
it's for adwipes to give to clients and applicants. adwipes.net

...

when you're working, you don't think. It's when you are all alone in your room when the sadness smear your heart.
I really had high hopes. Even with all the differences. I did believe for a brief moment that love will conquer all.

Even now I still want to believe that all will mended. Silly isn't it?

It's as though I am wishing for LA to snow in August.
all lost... because of my fear of neglect and my impatient bad temper. sigh..

work, so I won't think anymore. that's all I can do..now...

A good friend to screw my head back in place

My friend Pt and I talked about the website and few other things tonight.

Realized that:

I don't have time to be sulking over the hurt and the pain blah blah blah.

I am priceless and if I'm not worth fighting back for then Oh well..

It's a shame but not my loss.

I felt like crying all day, but I think Pt screwed my head back in place so I know where I should be focusing on.

animation, work, school,music and apartment hunting.

And if I do want to splurge, I have no problem finding a date it seems.
I'll just leave my heart locked away at home, that's all.

I guess I'll keep some of my dresses after all. got new shoes to compliment them too.

head to toe in Calvin Klein... yeah...ese bueno.

and if I sound like a total B-tch? I guess some of my old rocker self is still in me.
The part I hid in past relationships. Well, I'm not gonna be some submissive jap to wait on guys anymore. F**k that.

I'm moving to a new phase in life and who ever catches me must be in the right frame of mind.

regrets

I regret many things said. But, it had to be said.

I regret saying hurtful things, but I hurt long before inside...

I don't deserve another heartbreak after what I had to go through.

My heart is just too fragile.

With all that's been done, I still have "love" for you.

I hope you will learn to truly love again.

Find your other half that makes you whole.

I wished I made you whole...

I'm sorry I couldn't make you... whole.

Girl's bestfriend

They say girl's best friend is diamonds. I differ, it is the plastic that pays for it or the person who has the plastic is your best friend. I have lots of Mr. plastics in my bag.

Mr. plastic played a great role at "the grove" today. Searching for new sunglasses I came back with 4 cute dresses instead(all on sale). I know now why mom and grandma went shopping ALOT. They felt sad and needed to feel beautiful... for at least a little while.
I bought all these dresses but no one I want to date anymore... so..um.. yah..
I probably will return most of the dresses later.

I ditched class today. Went out to town and had lunch at THE original farmer's market and shopped at Nordstroms.

Needed to distract the feeling of stupidity of being pissed off and
the anger that still linger within from being "the fool" again.
Sadness that my hopes were all but a wishful thinking.
Disappointment.. in all of my judgments I have made.

It's always the same when I start to trust and open my heart... sigh...
I should of never opened my heart...

never should of trusted anyone...
should of just put on a mask..
and played the role...
numb the soul...
be a plastic doll...

just like before...
so I won't feel anymore...

un-special...
is all I know...

What a fool to even believe... at all...

I wish...

I wish my dog was still alive to kiss my tears away... or at least rub my tears all over his fur

fingers on the keyboard

I woke up with my hands on the keyboard of my laptop. I fell asleep working on the web.. or at least tried to work on the website. I don't even remember when I fell asleep. I have way too much on my plate right now..

Today at work, I felt like a man. There was a roach on the wall and all my co-workers (5 ladies) plus the president (male) were scared of it. So I had to catch it and kill it with tissue and bare hands. In my new tight calvin klein grey dress with black pointy boots I felt like the man of this office. How ... sad...
I guess at least I looked GOOD and DAMN SEXY in my new dress. Ha ha ... sigh...

I had a bloody nose tonight and felt I really wanted to call and have comfort words preferably a sexy manly voice. I wanted to have someone take care of me for once. or at least give me a warm hug or something...
So who did I call?

No one...

cuz' I don't need to be a burden.I don't want for anyone to feel that I am a burden
....but maybe that is my problem not asking...not showing my wants...

like not telling bluntly about my birthday when I should of just said celebrate with me, not asking firmly to go places together, or simple as I want a drink damn it! blah blah blah...

It's so stupid... Expecting a man to take the lead these days...THAT is wishful thinking for SURE!

I need to be stimulated! I need to feel beautiful! At this rate, with killing roaches and feeling manly I might turn BI or participating in the L word.

arghhhhh.

OK that is way too much mind boggle.

All I know is

I don't feel special....

I don't feel beautiful...

I don't know.... connection fading...

I feel... distance...

I am so so tired...

I am so tired... I need to take a shower... I need to work on my projects... sigh... I didn't have time to eat breakfast or dinner today...and I only ate cup noodle at lunch. My co worker asked me if I needed to borrow money. She thought I didn't have money. oh well...I'm just saving so I could move out... but too tired to explain.

at least I don't have school tomorrow.. I could work on my web after work. I haven't worked out lately too...
Sick of smiling all day... My cheeks hurt...
I didn't even watch the game today... too busy at work...

I had a good time at school tonight. My teacher likes to pick on me cuz' I already know that crap we do in class and so I just socialize with my classmates. She still likes me obviously cuz' she remembers my name. I think it's a love hate relationship. She remembers the Teacher Assistant's name, the only three men in the class and me, in the group of maybe 25 or more. We have to put up name signs on the computer but even w/o my name tag, she calls on me. I am sort of the smart ass... that is off in my la la world while she explains to others. The recently divorce blondie man also tries to talk jokes to me, I wonder why?

Both of my photoshop and CG class like me, cuz' I do the job and there is really not much that they can tell me to make it better!!! HAHA HAHAHAHa
Yesterday, J my teach was totally loving my art. daz good... She better, it's my angel piece that eventually i am going to blow it up into a big poster.

Oh well, I enjoy talking to my classmates. I like people who are passionate and inspiring. They have a goal in life. Something that makes each one of them shine.
It makes me feel motivated.
I think we all help each other bring up the energy levels in the class. I hope I'll keep in touch with a few after the class is over.

ok shower then web.. though I would love to be sleeping with warm arms surrounding me... instead... ha ha wishful thinking...sigh...

melancholy.... mind boggle

My little jazz is an angel now. I almost cried making him like this. But he was my angel..

I had a hard time sleeping last night as I will again tonight probably because I was mind boggling again about ...

LOVE.

In the confusion of thoughts I know one thing.... I am yearning for love. and..
If that be a relationship then so be it.

Love is essential in our lives.
Love takes in so many forms.
Love is also a process. It starts with attraction, connection, then to intimacy toward commitment.

Plato once said: We always search for the other half to become whole.
Socrates said: We seek and desire that which we do not have.

I believe that we DO need someone to love,trust,share and have feedback to make us complete as a whole.
I want to be with someone who makes me feel like the most important person in the world, that I am beautiful & special to him/her and vice versa.
I want to feel as though I am the only one in the lover's heart.

special...

When A asked me about relationship and I answered unsure... it's because I felt I need to develop a real connection before a committed relationship. If I can not attain the feeling of complete whole with a potential lover.. is being in a relationship wise?
Wouldn't you just be hurting the other by kind of sort of not feeling 100% about him/her?

Being in a relationship because of loneliness doesn't cut it either. That is just disrespect for the other.

I hate people who play with people's feelings. Who manipulate and try to brainwash you to get something from you. I gave too much in my last relationships and gain painful heartbreaks... so I think wise choices are necessary.

Love is also respect for each other. and I feel too old to play games after games.

I mean inside all of this, SEX plays a definite major role. If you are not physically attracted toward your potential partner THEN you can kiss the relationship goodbye because it's just not going to work. Even the love therapists says so. If the sex ain't good .... yah.... you already see the ending.

I have been reading a book on love...
The author states that to have a successful relationship we should try to find our psychological opposite that will complement each other. Two personalities opposite from each other makes infinite possibilities.Maybe so..

I know that whatever Hwood feeds us with unrealistic views on love are BS.

What will come of me? Who knows...

All I know is I want to feel special... If I can't then he/she is not for me.

I say he/she because I don't know what the future will bring for me. doubt it but who knows.

photoshop semi final project.

Taking 1 day at a time.

My sister, GF A and I had lunch together today. They are the only few near me that I am able to truly express my deepest feelings which is REALLY hard for me to do...

One of my best friends in Japan always tell me.

"Your gift is when you sing & create. That is when your emotions/passion TRULY appear, but you SUCK at communicating when NOT on stage. You're an artist with zippers for lips."

She is right. I search for words to express but like a bad connection on the internet, I just keep struggling to find words to explain how I feel. Or I just give up on the way.

If they don't ask, I tend to wait with no reply.

Today at lunch...
We talked about the new job I have acquired and A gave me a good advice.

"It's a job to meet the means only,not your passion. Just a job nothing more. Don't hate the job."S said"It's just the security you need right now."
They are right. A & S always have the right words to say.

A said she thinks she is ready to have a relationship, finally. That's wonderful. It's been awhile. I love A. She is so pure and so beautiful. I pray she will find her soulmate.

I, on the other hand is still unsure.

Fear of being betrayed plays a big part of trust.
(Gone through the loops way too many times.) I believe I have a hard time trusting people, especially men. That is why I have a great wall of China around my heart these days.
My mind boggle starts to form asking questions like:

How do I know he's trustworthy?
Should I date other men to see if my main interest is definitely on this particular man?
Does my schedule allow me to consider relationship?
Are we really compatible?
Am I ready to fully devote my heart, my spirit, my soul for a person?
Is he ready to accept me?
Does he think of me in the same stature? etc etc.

See???
I contemplate on these questions then I lose words to speak.
And if I am not feeling the full attention then I just leave it be. I am sick of being the only one giving all the time. I want change.
Is that wrong? Do I have too high of expectations?

I did have a bit of a "moment" this weekend watching all small babies and almost all couples at the party.I felt like Bridget Jones at the dinner party for couples drinking to numb the soul. Trying to be the humble one and leaving alone... yah...
I thought I'd be married by now or at least with a significant other.
But in reality, I am single trying to establish a new life.
Starting over at 37 again.. I guess I do have gutts though.

In the end of the day, I just slap my cheeks couple times and say
"'DA hell are you thinking about! Get it together now M. U had a good day. That's what matters. Concentrate on your projects M. Free yourself. Let yourself shine with creativity again.
Take 1 day at a time. DON'T RUSH!
And if your partner in crime do exist, HE will come to you.
Just stay true to your heart. Believe...

Live M LIVE!"

my pajamas

When I saw this at the store on saturday, I don't know what came over me... all I know is I woke up wearing them today. HAAAA

bubbles

we had a block party with LOTS of kids. The fun-est time for me was making bubbles... and jumping in the jumper. I didn't feel good so I went home and laid down.

We also have a great spot for fireworks just down to the corner of our street.
Today was... interesting. So, my italian neighbor Mrs. M have been trying to hook me up with a guy she knows.Real estate dude as M says. He was there at the party. But, I left to work on website while he was asking for me. I did see a glimpse of him before I left but didn't know THAT was the guy. OH WELL.. Not really feeling it.

Then I got an email from someone I met online a while back. He wrote "i have only gone on 1 more date after i saw you, its tiring, or maybe im too lazy?people say i am too picky maybe you set the bar too high? "
Awww... He does say the cutest things. We went to the movies I believe and had a great time laughing most of the time at dinner. He plays ice hockey... I think.... It's a shame though, he is a really cute JA guy. but No sparks... Just a really nice friend type. The kind you can talk for hours and hours laughing but not physically/sexually aroused at all. He had a sweet ride though...oh well again..

and yesterday was another guy asking me out out of the blue. A Tall bald animator/ photographer who is a ski junkie. Yeah, no sparks again. What a shame...

What is really up with me lately? It seems I am popular for some odd reason.
I am surprised with these happenings.

Maybe I need to wake up from this dream soon. Cuz' I am definitely not looking right now.

so "men doku sai"

Should I stay of should I go.. Happy 4th.

Kids are running and screaming and playing right now. I am hiding in my room watching them from my window. I should go and greet all the neighbors. I am a bit hungry...

I am tempted to go shopping instead...

But, I stay working on my website since I have little time. I need to do something.

Maybe, if my stomach isn't so bad I will head to A's party... in LG...new single people... hmmmm...

Should I stay or should I go...

That is the question of the day...

I think I'll go play with the kids. They got bubbles.

I don't feel so well again...

I must say David Villa is awesome. And he looks good too! Great game today.. Yes, I did wake up just to watch soccer. I also like xavi and ramos. since japan is way out of the picture. It doesn't matter what team wins, just show me some great plays.

My tummy on the other hand haven't been 100% since last night. I hope I am ok...

Couple invitations to tomorrow's celebration. I may not go to any of them due to all the work I still have for the VIS website... and if I want to do anything... my street is having a block party... so yeah...

I was asked on a date yesterday via email from a person I totally forgotten about and kindly rejected his offer. I am so not there... my heart is elsewhere...

The meeting last night with Pt made me realize I have so little time but so much to learn. I feel as though I am struggling to organize my time effectively due to the addition of 9-5 job. I passed out last night due to overdose on ibuprofen and fatigue.

Am I taking in too much to handle??? Probably, I am overwhelmed in so many ways.... but yearn for more?? yes... I even want love...like the icing on the cake.

I must find a balance....I will find a balance...

But for now... I work on the webiste...and wish you all...


Have a great fourth of July mi amigos. Drink a lot for me.

My korean Friend

So my former roommate/friend wrote today. They seem to struck big in Korea. They have their real recording studio now. That's wonderful.

I am so tired I don't know what to say. I am just hoping my stomachache is from drinking too much coffee and lack of sleep. I took ibuprofen but my migraines are killing my nerves. I don't feel so well...

I wished I could of seen the world cup soccer game today. I wanted to see ghana... I have to wake up early tomorrow to see..... 7am and 11:30am.... maybe only11:30am...

I'm too tired... zzz

I think I ate my 5 pounds back to my body

this picture is from engrish.com I think it's funny

Had junk food galore this weekend. I think it's PMS.

My birthday dinner was so natural and raw. It was FUN & VERY INTERESTING. Because the next day it triggered something inside of me!!!
WARNING: Malfunction on a nerve.

I was wired with french pressed coffee and swedish fishes then on to lay's potato chips and list goes on and on... I kept eating baaaaaaaaaad things.

No one to stop me. Just kept on going. Tomorrow the fam comes back. good I need guidance.

All the hard work of working out back on my bod.... Must try to work it off again... sigh...

one more thing!

OKAY!!!!!

I went to macmall to buy some of my geek supplies and the sales guy started to flirt with me!!!!!!
and gave me an extra discount from the price!!!!!!!
and asked me for my email.!!!!!!!
He thought I was younger than 25!!!!
He said my eyes are beautiful!!!!! LOLOLOLOL

Too bad though... cuz' all that time I was thinking of the sexy handsome last week...

BUT!!!

I got hit on my birthday. 37 years old near 40... I still got it..

I love my mom

Mom and Jazz last year 2009.

I love my mom, though it's like a love hate relationship. She called to wish me happy birthday for about a minute then it was all about fixing the computer and the senior club she is part of..... BUT I love my mom. She called.

Happy Birthday to ME

Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to m
Happy birthday to me...

okay... yup this year. I was totally alone when it turned midnight. No fam, no little jazz, no man. Just me... in bed alone in a lonely big house that is not mine... writing a pitiful blog about how pitiful I am.

So, I guess
June 25, 2010 12:01 AM is the day I make my goal to never have this happen to me in the future... ever!

clean room

Well, as a japanese we always clean the whole house before the new year. So, today I cleaned my whole room before my final countdown of my birthday. Fresh day tomorrow.

Then I picked up little m from day care. Made her some noodles and watched disney princesses and ate ice cream. Then MP came to pick her up. He said he couldn't do it anymore. He's sending lil m up n. I'm so sensitive to these things, it disturbs me... I felt so sad for mp. I know he tried the best he could to make it work. single dad trying to do everything. I respect my friend so much, I cry for him. At least he found a really nice GF that is giving. I pray lil m will always remember the b family and auntie m. I guess I must cherish the time I will have til' she goes...

On a good note: yeah japan.. 3-1!!!

And as for my mind boggle, I need to get a 1-2 TB hard disk (200-300bucks), finish my homework, get art supplies($30-40), work on websites, and get a better mouse (60 bucks) before I even think of paying money to go online to "Find the ONE". and...

I will keep mind boggling as usual. Because that's just the way I am. I won't expect anything because when I start to... they will let me down... I guess I'll just be grateful whomever I meet must have some reason to be with me.

Maybe tomorrow I will take a break and smoke out greens to stop my brain from functioning. GOING OUT 7:30 with my girlfriend A. She's a mind boggler as I am, so!! we can talk for HOURS about intellectual deep conversations to just stupid gossip. She could even function normal lit or not... TRIPLE COOL.

i.. just want to feel happy again... full of light... full of love... somewhat secure... but lots of adventure... no more betrayals( had it too many times, from my ex(s), my own father, friends etc etc)... no more hate... JUST Wanna feel the SUN shine on me...brand new day with no drama. Just the ocean breeze and the sky...

My student wrote me a b-day mail when it turned 25th in Japan... mom sent me a b-day card two days ago... b family gave me a card before they left... I do feel loved...
I do... I do...

The house is silent... I'm gonna take a long bath now.

mind boggle from 8 in the morning

I am just mumbling my thoughts on electric blog. half sleeping but irritated because of my unending conclusion. I have been questioning about a subject that I have no real answer to or maybe I do and do not want to admit to.

If a person was truly interested in you genuinely wouldn't they ask you questions to get to know you better? Different questions concerning about life, likes and dislikes, future goals, places they've traveled and so on. Or ask you when your birthday is..

If that person is truly thinking and wanting to move forward to a better relationship, wouldn't they contact you often and ask how you are, or how was your day, or strike up a conversation of going somewhere together, or asking when will be a free time to meet? and have a great conversation together about silly subject?

And if that person does not ask at all about you.

Is that person worth keeping around?

Should I even believe that the person will come around or better yet... Should I just accept that person does not really care. Their motive is not to know and understand you... it is elsewhere...

Either way,,, I'm bored. Maybe I WILL join C.com or M.com and pass my time dating again. At C.com I have more than 30 people who are interested in moi! LOL my days sure would be busy on datin IF I did join. Maybe and Maybe not. we'll see how bored I get in the weekend

okay...
I think I'm going back to bed..

bored in class... so..

I was a bit bored in class today because it was on a subject I already know.... so... I drew a motorcycle. My motorcycle looked like this one I drew on the computer. So, it took me about two hours. Then my teacher made fun of me because I was not paying attention to her class. Like yah, I already know the sh*t. Teach me something I don't know!!!

Anyways, one more day til' my b-day... my b family is going to mammoth for granddad in law's memorial later today. So, if I think of it optimistically I will have the house to myself.. FREEDOM. Or pessimistically, meaning I will be alone in this big house all weekend + 2 days.

I have mixed feelings, but oh well.

Oh I need to get one of these!

Just looking at engrish.com. Found this funny picture from CHINA. ENJOY!

I cried tonight...

I don't know what came over me. After my photoshop class I got into my car and started to drive... Then all the sudden I seriously felt my little jazz sitting on my lap. It's been 5 months since I had to put him down. But for a little moment in my car.... I really truly felt his presense near me. I was so glad but so sad... then tears started falling down my cheeks.

Please note: never cry while driving near the airport or anywhere. VERY DANGEROUS!

My eyes were so filled with tears, it was hard to see.
I don't know maybe it was a little pre birthday gift from god...To feel him again...

I miss him so much... I still feel lost everyday without my dog . He was my only family when I lived in japan... Ten years. It was always me and Jazz. We went everywhere together. Restaurants, recordings, even went on a drive on my motorcycle together. We traveled from Tokyo to LA, LA to Osaka to TOkyo then to LA to hawaii to south carolina then back to LA. He was like my son. He was the love of my life.

I know I have to let him go but I pray every night to see him in my dreams. it's a habit since feb.3 2010. (feb 2 was his 10th birthday)

I always wish that I could hug and cuddle with him in my dreams. Feel his wet nose poking my cheeks and how he used to rub his face all over me the curl into a ball using my right arm for a pillow. He always sat on my lap when we drove...
Death... you never get over it... you just don't...

I also pray that grandma is taking good care of him in heaven til' I get there one day.

My eyes are gonna be puffy tomorrow...damn...

The ULTIMATE CHICK FLICK

After my devastating loss of my data from portable hard disk that had my precious data... and trying to fix my mom's macbook via phone and watching intensely BORING tutorials on "how to" on excel 2010, and tutorial on flash...
I had to take a break.

SO----- I watched the most cutest chick flick I've seen in awhile. I would say it has topped with the NOTEBOOK by far. IT'S COMPLICATED. I loved it.

If anyone wants it, mail me I've downloaded the movie(s). I also have the get me to greek movie,new travolta movie, book of eli,leap year, vampire's assistant, how to train dragon, shrek 3, spy next door,downloading toy story 3 tomorrow... etc etc... probably not legal.... oh vwell.......

Tomorrow I start on making/sketching an outline for the websites. I will not procrastinate!!!

ok goodnight.

PS: leaving on a good note! In 1 1/2 months span, I LOST 10 POUNDS! woohooo!

ARGHHHHHH!

My external Hard Drive BROKE!!!! This time is doesn't even mount on my mac no more!!!!
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Now I have to get another HD... I hate western digital portable HDs!!!! This is like the 3rd time I lost data...

Happy Father's Day Hike

The B family plus I went on a hike for Father's Day. It was a nice warm day beautiful and the water was pretty clear.

Pretty flowers....


beautiful waves....


Even a dead pelican...


crabs everywhere.

It was refreshing but now experiencing some soarness in different parts of the body.
Tonight we feast on summer BBQ and relax listening to the leaves brushing each other while the wind encircles them. ahhhhhh.... tranquility...

What a F*cking IDIOT!?!?!... SERIOUSLY part ?? I don't even keep count anymore...

Oh...kay.... SO I had a tremendously beautiful time last night OH yes... and had a mouth melting breakfast in weho. I was on CLOUD 9. LALA land singing "I'm on the top of world". Grinning through out the day. LIKE YES mmmmmm YES YES, !
( ^ 0 ^ ) like this face.

Then just right when I thought THIS JOY BURSTING WITH LOVE would last....
da* da* da* da---------- DAMN it... NOOOOOOOOOOO,
"YOU'VE GOT MAIL" and GUESS WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO?????
( ; _ ;)crying face
you all know by now... the ex... again and again...
What a F*cking IDIOT?! as my bro in law would say.
I really wonder LIKE REALLY?! When will dumb dumb get DA POINT! It has been over half a year now as I keep the silence, usually men get the point after a month.
MR. DRAMA QUEEN GO AWAY!!!! FOREVER!!! (good karma m think good karma)
This time he tried to write in two other email accounts a sap story about his sister in law's tumor and all he thought was me.... HUH?????? NO COMPRENDO. Why the hell would I even care about some lady I don't even know? What the hell??? I don't get it...DERANGED... OH VWELLLLLLLL.

I.... really don't need this right now... So! I just let it go/ignored and went to see...
Toy Story 3!!! in 3D!!!! I LOVED IT. Like I love most animations done by PIXAR, it was SO cute and funny. AND since we were in PV No one was there!!!!!! COOL!!!! ( Can you notice I am trying to hype myself up right now?) I want to watch again!!!

Tomorrow if the weather permits maybe I'll go to the beach and feel the good karma from the ocean and the wind. Need to go to my hideaway!!! Feel the ocean breeze!! Crashing Waves!!! yah...

Now if you'll excuse me... I must be going. I must reminisce of the wonderful time I had on friday while I close my eyes..... mmmm.....zzzz goodnight

Computer graphic homework 2 drawing an apple

My homework was to draw an apple with the pen tool. I did but I don't know how I did it and the outline is gone... I don't know why but I like it. It looks like it could be used in children books.

photoshop homework 2 done.

So the original picture is on the bottom. What do you think? OK?



Thank GOD my GF A mailed me about my Bday! We're gonna go out to a "raw restaurant" HOW EXCITING!!! YEAH!!! So happy!!! Ok back to web design..

7 more days...

Above is my homework on fake logo part 2. I hate animal print but HEY it's kiss fm.

In seven days, I will be 37. It's such an unsignificant number to celebrate. I have no idea what to do. I better email A to remind her. I hope my cold will be all gone by then.

It's on a friday.. so I could go on a date.. I don't know.. My mind is not there yet. It's stuck on "Flash for dummies" and Tutorials from Lynda.com.

The numbers are rising on C.com and M.com though... I could pick one of them to date if I choose to.. nahhh... too much energy to be used.

I wish my dog was still alive... so I could squeeze him and go hiking at my favorite hideaway and just choose to snuggle with him like I always did on my birthdays in the past...

all I could squeeze are his ashes... sigh...

I hope I'm not alone on the day... but just in case I better buy me some good booze to numb my senses.

funny things in life..and homework1 for CG class

Curiosity have got the best of me...again...

On monday night, I decided to see how many hits I would get if I put my picture up again on an online dating system such as company M.com or C.com. I have not subscribed on any websites yet, but it has been a very interesting result, I must say. None really interesting enough for me to try but here were the results.
Result as of weds. morning 14th:

on M.com: more than 23 winks and 13 emails and 5 people put me in favorites.

on C.com: 16 men are interested in me(which I can't see the profile because C.com want you to subscribe) 1 email and 2 noticed.

I had a really bad experience with POF.com and I met my ex-stalker on H.com before so I have not been participating in the search for "partner in crime" online.

I like where I am right now. Working on projects for VIS animation and going to O art school for computer graphics. It's been a great/fun/awesome experience. Now if I find some kind of work IT will be GREAT. and maybe see the sexy man i've been eyeglued on...mmmm...

Didn't make the final round on the job interview. All the companies are concerned that I have only creative/music business career experience ... I better get a waitress job soon... if that's the case. OH well... Tomorrow is a brand new day. Search, google, find.

Never give up and just do. I better start making my portfolio for web design soon...

photoshop homework week1

After 1 full box of tissue, Musicnex DM, Suphedrine, and cough syrup with codeine I am finally ALIVE!!!
Still sleep deprived though... Doing homework for three classes. One of the homework was to cut out the butterfly,lotus flower, and water images from another picture and put them all together. I added the lotus leaves as well. I sat for hours. I def was in "THE ZONE"... original images as follows

web design homework 1...

I can't breathe... I feel warm... My lungs hurt... My body ache... I can't taste... my heart lonely... but I did my homework for tomorrow... I hope I can walk after I sleep...