...awhhh....

Yesterday...After a long day of extracting individual images from a jpg for a website. I took my nephew and niece to the beach. Let the sista and bro have some private time.
I even took the long way back to get ice scream. Kids loved the windy roads and the beautiful city lights from the hill. They even like my reckless driving. my auntie duties for the day was accomplished.

I slept hugging my stuffed animal of Jazz sista sal made me... for comfort..I don't sleep well without my little jazz anymore... do miss him..and yeah...couldn't sleep well... but you must admit the crochet jazz looks cute.

TODAY:
Woke up with my nephew telling me that the power is down at 7 AM. Since we had no power = no internet or computer, I naturally went back to sleep, so I hoped. Screaming kids at 9 o'clock right behind my door. I scream "SHUT UP"then "BE QUIET"...still no power...I was doomed.

All in my head... "I hope I saved my web contents before I fell asleep"... I don't remember... too moody last night...

10 o'clock I am up with a crochet hook and yarn in my hand. Anger management... Yes, I have been crocheting again..to subside my mooooooodiness. I have made two face towels already. Now on third.
I should just get a cheap bass guitar and start learning. change anger management tactics.
I want this for my bass. LOL

Power back on at noon .... check!
worked out my abs..... check!
went to BBQ at 2... check!
Gained back whatever I worked out and more CHECK!!!

Now here I am... writing a fairy boring blog of the day. Should of gone to LGN BCH..

I apologize...for such mundane subject...I just don't have it in me today... gomen..
by the way Happy Memorial day.

Lesson learned/ Apollo chocolate

I went to the beach... tried to find parking... took me half an hour. Then noticed it's the wrong beach... Parked HB supposed to be MB. OH well.... it was a good long walk to the beach and back to my car.. Got my exercise for the day... DAMN IT!
NOTE: When I get a place near the beach "street parking" apartments are out of question out of my list. NEED PARKING!!! HB, MB and VB all need parking. RB is only place you can still find free parking.

People watch movies and tv shows on their time off...

I watch tutorial videos on how tos: on my time off. I am constantly searching for knowledge. But, I seem to fall asleep alot watching them because of the voice of the teacher's voice.. so mundane... Today: Photoshop tutorials on Adobe Design Center. School starts next week totally excited!!! Gonna be busy busy busy!

I am learning a lot. Let's hope my brain will retain it than to delete it.

On another note: I like Japanese cheap chocolate. And my favorite of all times is this chocolate called "APOLLO". It's a strawberry chocolate in tiny bites.
Now you must admit this packaging is just awesome. LOOK at the shape first of all. After you eat all the chocolate, the package can turn into awesome accessories. For example a little pencil case! Or make it into a kaleidoscope!and MUCH MORE!!!

The Japanese packaging are amazing! When you open the lid. Inside little apollo candy spells out "APOLLO" around the rim! SO CUTE!!! I mean how do they come up with the cutest packages? So precise and eye catching. I've been looking at lots of candy packaging lately... Amazing..

I just love it! It is really not a fancy chocolate, this Apollo. It even taste cheap. That artificial strawberry taste. I just love it because it does remind me of my childhood. Meiji chocolate! The great thing is they never changed the taste or the package. It has basically been the same all through out these years. Totally cool, I think.

OK back to webdesigning VIZSIM.

zankok

残酷 zankok

貴方を信じてた (I believed in you)
密かに信じてた (Silently I believed in you)
寂しいときも　堪え難い時も (Even when I felt so alone, when I couldn't take it anymore)
貴方を信じてた　ah (I still believed in you)

孤独な闇の中 (In the midst of the lonely darkness)
貴方を待ち続けた (I waited for you endlessly)
孤独な闇の中 (In the midst of the lonely darkness)
貴方を信じてたのに (I stayed and believed in you... but)

一人で迷い　溺れて行く　傷が深く　刻まれた心の行方は？ ( Alone I wander, I'm drowning, the deep wounds, where will my stabbed/broken heart go from now)

I BREAK BREAK DOWN ALL BECAUSE OF YOU
I DRINK I DROWN I BLEED TO FORGET YOU
I SMOKE SMOKE OUT GET HIGH CAUSE OF YOU
I DRINK AGAIN AGAIN TO NUMB MY FEELING TO YOU

You don’t even know I’m alive
Though I think of you everytime
It isn’t fair what you did and now I’m left here crying
I’ve waited long long enough so I’ll…

一人で迷い　壊れて行く　傷が深く　刻まれた心の行方は。。。( Alone I wander, I'm drowning, the deep wounds, where will my stabbed heart go from now)

I wrote this song long ago.. It's about betrayal and confusion and broken self. You can interpret anyway you like a song on life, on friends, on love, on faith..

All the art on this video is from the creative fans we had. They were so good in painting. I really was touched.

Lately
I want to learn bass. So, I could be in a band again. I want to learn more and more. OH
what am I doing staying up so long. goodnight.

Damn it

It seems either I am f***ed or I am way too qualified for the jobs I am applying to. At least my resume sounds too qualified. I need to downgrade my resume.

Todays potential: Perfect job to make catalog for car parts and update websites using Photoshop and Illustrator, indesign and dreamweaver software. I know all that. I was perfect for the job. I can do the job right!!!

The results: HR thought my resume doesn't fit the people because my life as musician is too wild for the company. So, now they are discriminating my lifestyle. What is so wrong teaching and directing musicians in Japan? What's wrong with being creative?

So back to square one. I surely need a drink.... sigh....

revised balls= wii!!!!! modded!!!!

Went to see Pt. Learned alot! Thanks u thank u thank u. Color changes now!
Now I must work on the website. I hope I can get it down. hmmmm need to watch tutorials again to refresh my memory on flash... hmmm should I use fireworks to make buttons or photoshop... They are so integrated with each other so I don't know which is the best route. hmmmmm.... need to think more....

Beautiful day today. I jogged on the beach but I think my left knee has some issues now... but I will still walk on the sand I think.

So, I figured out how to soft mod the US wii. I can play j games using neo gamma, I still have to see if my wii plays dvds now or cds. I will attempt to soft mod my Japanese wii tomorrow. hm..... I have to figure out how to back up wii games next. hmmmmmmmm.........
or even download games... it is still a working progress... taking.... forever....

13 days til....

Ok, so I usually am not a fan of sports watching. Not a football fan. Took me at least 3 years to care about what first down means. Every year my brother in law would explain it to me carefully and I gracefully forget it the following year. I like watching basketball and ice hockey, volleyball maybe. BUT, I never told anyone but I like watching soccer. Japan doesn't look so good this year though... I used to watch soccer with my friends in japan. oh what a great time that was.

(^_^;)b i think it's ok...

My 3rd homework slopply done.
Must ask how to change colors..tomorrow YEah!to LGna bch I go!!!!

So, now I do appreciate all the efforts friends are making to find me a good dating guy.
My italian neighbor down the street asking her friend real estate guy, my B friend now will scan his friend list to see...

It's not that I don't have a problem finding a date. I'm just so turned off by the dating scene and the whole process, so I kind of like don't care..... but....
My friends don't want me to be a hermit which I tend to be... and want me to be with someone who'd truly treat me RIGHT, this time... I am grateful.
We will see.... I'm not complaining.

I am more interested right now in working out everyday so I'd be this drop dead gorgeous woman when summer creeps in a month or so LOL, computer graphics, and wii hacking has been an ongoing process. How the hell do you soft mod wii and make it work? Where do I get the torrents to download the games??Ok I did soft mod my wii, but I think I need to try it another way.

I got my glass panel for my 24"imac!! IT FIT PERFECTLY!!! NICE! Now when I get a job I will buy the optic drive cuz' it broke while moving here to LA. I hate usps. Damn them. They denied my claim though I insured more than 100 buck on my computer. A-holes. Never use usps for computers.

So, I figured while I am without a job. I would workout as much as I can and learn as much as I can and maybe stock up on songs and lyrics. Good combination don't you think?

I got exactly a month til my b-day... what will I get this year... hopefully ...a job?

facebook power/ MIND BOGGLE stress meltdown

If you have facebook please check out john r. lamkin
Chris Loftlin sings a rendition of a "Color Me Bad" song [HQ] video

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=396950723591&comments=

This was when I was in Berklee college of music in 92??. Arch bishop of funk.In the cafeteria of the school. I am the yellow girl with the X hat. OK I can't believe how fat I was then but oh well.
The only asian beside Taku in the band(everyone else was black). OMG Taku, John, Chris and lots more are so famous now. It is amazing we all used to play together in college. Reggie's band, good old days.
Facebook is so powerful to bring all of us back together like that on a video. amazing...

So, I have been in a mind boggle, TOTALLY! I have been bothered by stories from the grapevine since sunday... ok for awhile... Lately... it seems all these matters of LOVE ( which is love,hate,divorce, affairs,anger, betrayal, sex,scandal blah blah blah) are all affecting my surrounding friends... As I listen to others stories.... it just .....
hurts.... I feel for them.... but,I can't take it... I keep saying... I'm so sorry (name) ...and I can't say anymore... what CAN I say... but I'm feelin your emotions and it hurts and hurts... My intuitions, my sensitivities feel you... it's too much right now......

I finally got out of saddness, betrayal, manipulated, misled love.. I'm still dealing with stalking a-hole trying to find me.
RIGHT NOW I really want to feel happy again... it's just too much for me. plus I'm stressed as is trying to Find TRUE LOVE and a freaking job... my hives from stress is still healing... The scars hurt everytime my stress level goes higher...

i am pathetic aren't I?... I want to think of my selfish self when time of need for others... I suck.. but it has been a question I ask god often... When is it my turn to shine??

Lately I can't even see my friend Mp cuz' all I have in my head is I am so sorry mp...
I want to say more but I can't... you will be crushed if I tell the truth...

TOO MUCH INFO from the grapevine... and TOO MUCH TIME TO THINK!!!

Then it affected my view on my love situation... In a mind boggle state of mind. I almost told a man I am interested in...."goodbye" because I didn't want to deal any more hurt, pain or betrayal. I thought at that moment to just call it quits. Start new. New phone, new job, new school, new everything. A clean slate...

So childish...trying to run away from something that hasn't happened yet.
I wasn't planning to make drama, but stupid me I think made drama... a helpless romantic I must be to do something as idiotic as this.
Monday is not a good day for me...def... i hate texting...

In the meantime... lately, I have been going to the beach alot more to clear my mind and soul.
Almost everyday now. Workout in the morning,sweat out bad karma, walk on the beach, clear the mind, hear nature, feel nature, appreciate life, love thy self.
Then pray for my family and friends to find happiness. Send all the love I have for them.

I hope tomorrow is a better day...

one more blah blah blah

So, my GF came over today for dinna (Japanese nabe,Italian ravioli, and fried halibut....yes it is an unique combination but hey all tasted BUENO)
sista S, A, and I had our update "GIRL's talk". I think friends are the most priceless treasure you can ever have. Some don't understand what real friendship means. I am sadden/hurt and feel sorry for the ones who just don't get it... I love my GF A cuz' she's genuinely just ooozing with natural love. We have been through alot 3 of us. we are I believe spiritually connected.

I also think us 3... we are the "givers" because we all are healers and we love helping people. I am probably the least out of the three though LOL...

But lately, we are learning to be a little selfish to our own needs by saying enough is enough.. tired of giving with no return... LOL... we just needed a break I think.

Today, I selfishly asked A to spend my birthday which is next month with me, cuz' my fam is going up north that week and I will be here alone with no potential prince charming to sweep me off my feet...though my neighbor supposely is working on that.
She said YES!!!! but she will not get offended if my prince charming does appear.

Friendship, I cherish all my friendship with my friends and friends to be.. I am just not great at showing it or communicating because I tend to put a wall in front to protect myself. It's a bad habit. I'm working on it. I am!!

The winds told me to wait and see.... so I will wait but not too late.

Now, I must figure out how to get rid of the KISS YUCK guy... yes he texted again...I mistaken-d him with my gd friend Pt... apparently he did not understand the silent message of not contacting for 2 weeks means something. sigh.... awww my mediocre worries of today... maybe I will just change my phone... it is just a go phone.

Maybe I'll start everything from zero again. job websites are now showing me jobs in NY, wild isn't it? Maybe I'll move again who knows.. blah blah blah..

I will sleep listening to the rustling leaves and the roaring winds... maybe I'll dream a good dream tonight... walking on the beach with my hand holding another..
too cheezy ... maybe... better than nightmares.... hope your dreams are filled with love and happiness...

beach

I hear the roar of the the pacific waves, crashing down on the sand. I hear the rustling winds blowing into my ears... I feel the chills but I stay. My feet covered in sand with tar... now that will be something hard to wash... As I watch I meditate. Trying to calm my endlessly reckless mind.... Where to now?... the wind blows and whispers... in time you will see...

It seems my neighbor is trying to hook me up with another neighbor....hm...... just found out few min. ago.... hmmmm...... we'll see.....

My mind right now is about trying to mod my wii... and the third animation homework.... and how my body aches all over from working out this morning.... the beach was beautiful... cold but clear...

I woke up so graugy. All day, I felt as if I exerted my energy sending good karma to people I care for and trying to focus on the energy field around the house... I just was too tired to do anything today. Like empty gas..
But, when I was still feeling non functional late in the afternoon, my sister suggested me to go to my favorite place... the beach...

So I went to the beach to the avenues and just walked. Ipod blasting with pumping sounds. Feeling the ocean breeze hit my face, sun shining good vibes on my body. It felt good.
Watching beautiful bodies jog by wasn't too bad either. I love RB. Old school.. I hate the pier though. Granted RB gets little sketchy in the summer but overall the feel of old school vibe is just relaxing for me. Lots of surfers out today. I was re-energized. Thank goodness. I walked for an hour... I think I will come to the beach for walking in the morning.

When I am not 100%, I like to either take a long bath, go to the beach and just sit on the sand or walk in the water or just drive by the coast line.
Well, after walking on the beach, I went for a drive to my favorite place.

It's where I get my energy. I just sit on the cliff watching the wave go by feeling the karma from the sun and the ocean. Where is it? can't tell you. It's secret hideaway.

Tomorrow, I will attempt to hook up my wii to my mac. I am such a nerd. I have to find someone to mod my wii too.... hmmmmm.....my rash.... still lookin bad.....sigh...

Quality vs. Quantity

So, it is easy to say that I have been some what happily unemployed for a week and a half now. The irony is I have been keeping myself pretty busy with numerous activities around the house. Tuesday, I was in downtown for an interview with a staffing agency that specializes on legal firms. In my mind, I am telling myself how did I even get this interview? (more exact wording would be "What the F*** am I doing here in this stuffy office? SO, not belong here!"). and today another interview this time with the Mr. BIG T car company, yup you've guess it. How did I ever get this interview too!!!! I HAVE NO IDEA. The BIG T interview went quite well, considering I was completely bullsh*tting throughout the interview acting like a professional career woman with a suit and high heels. I was THE master of disguise. Few jokes here and there in Japanese to make the mood and just let my charm do the rest. We will see what happens. I wonder if I get discounts on the cars????…. It would be better saying "Hi, I work at T " than " Hi, I work at gay porn comic co."

I have been pretty busy, going to lunches with friends getting caught up on news of new borns.. yes lots of pregnant friends or mothers lately…T is having a boy, J is having a … girl?? Jn came over to show her 7 mo happy baby so on and so on… Picking up little Maya from daycare. Watching webminars on animation timing and frames. Chatting w/ friend PT on After Effect and trying to figure out the last homework, which is lagging a little. Ordered the glass replacement for my computer that the usps ruined.
etc etc...
So, out of my activities, I found myself at this boutique that is from NEW YORK… This gal needed some pampering time since I haven't done anything for a year caged up not even a decent hair dresser or spa. Never got to do any of that cuz everything was calculated.

Anyway..What is this boutique? It specializes on BRA FITTING!!
Yes, there are professional bra consultants in this world. Body contour specialist.
so…Why go there? To the upscale boutique?
Well, Victoria Secrets was having their semi-final sale again and I wanted to buy more bras and panties but didn't know what size to get. YES VICKY S's having a big SALE!!!!

So, I went to this boutique. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I was thinking I'll just get the size and leave… but… NO it does not go there…. I was in OMG land. I felt like paris hilton HA HAHA.
The consultant showed me to the dressing room and measured my measurements and asked if I want to contour, reshape, level 1, level 2 by breasts.
HELL I HAD NO IDEA what the hell she was talking about, but she took out these bras that fit…. PERFECTLY!!!! She taught me how to put the bra on and how to squeeze all the fat into the bra.

I was buying bras totally wrong all this time. My cup size was much bigger than what I was buying. But, I never thought of paying more than 30 bucks for a bra. I am a southern J-girl. I like things on SALE!!! I was taught not to buy anything RETAIL.NOW,
These bras were like way expensive AND!!! I am the type of person who have to have the matching undies so…. yeah….. for two pair of bra set….. let us just say it was more than a 100 bucks. Never will I put these bras in a washer or a dryer. They are going to be hand washed, so delicately they will never go bad.

So instead of Vicky S's semi sale. I ended up using my money on these Bras. I would put these bra pictures but I think I'd like to show my boobies to only one I care about so SORRY! NO CAN DO!

I went for QUALITY than QUANTITY. I am good with that. Now I just have to find me a job or a really rich sugar daddy(JUST JOKING).

What a subject to talk about on a Thursday night. I need to lose weight too… while I eat thai noodles and curry stuffing mi self ha ha ha!

KARMA

This morning I talked to one of my best friend in Japan who is also a respected spiritual therapist/healer. I want to say by coincidence but everything happens for a reason,right? She has traveled far internationally like me, bilingual and overall a very very good person. She is a true healer and she tells me I am a healer as well by my music. It is always great to have friends to talk to when in need.
People GET SKYPE. it's free, free video chat and a lot easier to use. I love her cuz' she's blunt like me but really cares and listens from the bottom of her heart.
So, when I talked to her it was ironic that we were having the same issues in our lives. What issues? Well for one the hives… She has them too on her hands… I have it on my left front hip area. It seems that these hives are due to stress and bad karma from others.
She said that because we are both healers we are VERY SENSITIVE and tend to let people's "念、怨念” (nen,onnen = a telepathic feeling, grudge, BAD KARMA) accumulate into our bodies. Usually we are able to heal with our own energies, but when we let our guards down whom ever is sending the bad karma is draining us of our good energy and at times the horrid hives start to appear.
What she said is quite eastern holistic method of thinking but it does make sense for me. My sister had the same hives when she was stress months back. It does explain why I have been so drained and tired and moody. We have no western med explanation of why my rash/hive appeared so yeah! Bad "NEN" from probably the ex and the manager from the porn co and maybe many others that think I am a total b-tch??!!

Her theory also explains why I was getting the "Hanged Man" in my tarot readings. It says I have to let go of something in order to move on… I believe it means the the connection I still have with the ex. Why do I say this? I surely am over the guy, but IF I KEEP in FEAR OF HIM it still makes the connection where he can drain my energy out. I have to just block the bad karma he's sending with my own good karma. STOP THE FEAR, CHANGE TO FIRE! ENJOY LIFE DAY BY DAY.

It's like the ball animation I am making. I have to be the ball that bounces all bad karma back to its owner/s! Not consume, reflect. My friend was going through the same bad karma situation with her clients and ex and friend so I think we realized that someone up there is telling us…..
"See learn from it, figure out how to control your energy. Control them before it gets worse… You still have much to learn girls… to be one with the universe"

So, after talking to her this morning. I practiced an image training of this big good karma ball surrounding me, ready to bounce any bad energy coming my way. My friend is funny.. She also mentioned that I am having such a bad time at job hunting because it is not music related. Then she always says "So, when are you coming back to Japan?" "When will you come back to music? Cuz' you already know that's why god put you on this earth for! You can't keep hiding from your own destiny..You have to heal and teach.."
She is probably right… Every non music job has been JUST TORTURE for me. As I go for another interview…. H ha for a law firm receptionist job… As I sit at the 22nd floor of downtown building… asking myself "what the f*** am I doing here?" I get another call from another recruiter… another interview with Co. T.. I think the energy ball IS working. I just have to concentrate on the music related jobs... Think M think! Good energy!!!

Here's a song I made with a bassist R 10+ years ago. Round and Round.. hope u enjoy

If I could only say ....

"Hope you're well...."
I wished I could say "no ... I am not... come save me...please.." I know ...all but a wishful thinking inside my head.

I want to be held...encircled by strong but loving arms. I want to be told everything is gonna be ok.. I want to sleep peacefully warm without fear...

I don't have the courage to ask...i guess. and I won't forgive myself for bringing anyone into this mess that I have no control over.

If I could I would say "come away with me, let's go somewhere just the two of us.." haha...sigh...

Fantasizing is fun I suppose. At least in my daydream I am in control...

In reality I am so reckless, drained and disturbed... and I have no energy to fight for the new love to be... How can I when this drama linger on from the past which I have no control over...

My communication skill down to zero. Writing the most superficial sentences the very words I despise most cuz' I'm afraid it's just too much.... I'm too much to handle...
I can't ...

So I hide in my shell like a true cancerian. Put on a painted mask, act as if everything is ok.

but... I'm not ok...

I want to change..

I know I have to change...

I do...

The song explains all

Wrote this song with my guitarist 5+ years ago but it fits the unfortunate time I am experiencing right now w/ mr.stalker ex..
Recorded at 3 AM somewhere in a studio of Tokyo, Japan.. one shot only.every member in their booths but in sync.. so some of the lyrics are wrong when I sang it but hell.. it's all about emotions and passion and it was 3 AM.

U (UZAI = annoying)

you’re so naïve and so inane
you’re self contained and so insane
my patience…

just let me be you bloody dick
just let me be… you’re making me in agony
just let me go you fucking fool
just leave me alone just let me go and take your sorrow along
my patience is fading…

day in day out you try to call
all you get is a hanged up phone
don’t you know I’m not your girl (anymore)
don’t know why you don’t realize
though you try it’s a waste of time
there is no love for you and I
my patience…

chorus
my patience is fading...

just leave me alone… you fucking fool..


NOTE: I am not like this in person really...Mellow, laid back never angry almost too emotionless i look cold.but if u put a kid in front of me I become the ultimate auntie full of smiles....but...usually in space la la land.. I do have a mean streak in the mind, it seems. It takes a lot for me to get to this state..though...

copyrights all reserved to 3+3

tranquility is what I need but the turmiol has just begun...

I wasn't going to write today.... I was thinking of quitting this blog.Leave for.. I don't know.. Bali?? .. Go in hiding...but f*** that. This is the only place I can say what I want to say and leave it in this blog so I don't hurt the people around me. right??

My friend JB wrote:M.. MAKE A REPORT TO THE POLICE IF POSSIBLE TO WARN THEM ABOUT THIS SITUATION OK. I'M HOME FROM TRAVELING AND PERFORMING SO CALL ME, DON'T LET HIM SCARE YOU OK.
PRAY TO GOD FOR PROTECTION OK. I MISS YOU TOO

I felt SO bad that I made my best friend be so worried for me... I suck.. Cuz' I don't have any evidence to go to the police with... they are not going to help me. I had this happen to me in Japan when I fired my manager he turned stalker on me. He was stealing more than 20% of his part and I caught him. Then he turned into this malicious stalker trying to ruin my music career. He stole in the 5 digits ... my partner had her house broken in by the guy. It was nasty..I ended up moving 2-3 times and leaving the country. I lost a lot of clients... The police never helped us.. Now I have the ex... stalking me... f***...

On a good note, today I bought a pair of levi jeans at macy's for $6.60???? ha... ha???

Alcohol.... it's not helping. My mind is so acute and sensitive.My 3rd eye damn let me just say it does not have an asian slanted eye.. IT'S WIDE OPEN??!!! ALCOHOL is just like 7-up...no justice.. I guess when you are nervous nothing works. Maybe weed?

If the past is going to pull me back right now I am going to go way back 10 years from now.

I dug up some recordings I did 10+ years ago. I had a record deal with a record company but I basically said NO after they ruined my songs... The arranger sucked. The drummer wasn't groovin',guitar ummmm yeah.. it wasn't tight. I wanted to sound rock. I had this image for all my songs even the image of music videos and everything ended up country/ world music. Just S***. So, since I am going to be a hermit for awhile... I will just post my old songs and just be as egotistic as I can be so I could hype myself up! Not feel so in vain. NOT kidding. IT IS MY F*cking BLOG.I'll do as I please.

so here it is. The first song is "Set me Free" wrote it in 1999? or earlier? I was too rock for Japan...
I hate what they did to my song, one day I hope to re-record my songs so it doesn't sound like sh**... At Chaka Kahn's favorite studio with all old studio musicians. NOTE: Don't let studio musicians play your songs when you want it sound fresh and edgy...


Set me free

(chorus)
Set me free… break away the walls and let me be…
Set me free… break away…

Trapped in a puzzle…can’t figure out
Which way to go I feel there’s no way out
Anxiety expanding through my veins
I feel my heartbeat rising…rising…

A darkened room with no hint of light
I search on my knees to find the doorway out
The floor is wet with pieces of jagged glass cutting through my body

Lost in a maze I’m lost in…

(chorus)

A hungry search for that hint of light
To save my soul from losing faith and pride
I’m losing grip with the conscious world
It’s eating me up inside

Lost in a maze I’m lost in…

(chorus) 2x

Lost in a maze of subconscious mind I feel the chains empowering me now
I’ve lost my grip of the conscious world
The walls are closing in…

(chorus) 2x


I WILL SURVIVE. I WILL FIGHT FROM ALL THIS CHAOS!

What a F*cking IDIOT!?!?!... SERIOUSLY

Caller: " Hi, this is M's ex-BF C, can u tell me where I can reach her?"
Sista S: " I don't think she wants to talk to you"
Caller:" Well, can u just tell her that I called and please tell her to call me back or email me?"
Sista S: " ....okay?! bye??!!"

Seriously? Do ya think my sister is really going to give out my number and my whereabouts to the only person I never want to see? WHAT A F*CKING IDIOT. The guy didn't even know it was me who answered the phone....
Thank god I have the same voice as my sister. Seriously... F***

So, now he found my sister's number.... maybe I need to go away again. You know it is really easy to find people's address if you just pay like 30 bucks online? I am hoping the guy is cheap as he was (salesmen, you get the picture) so he won't come to find me...

So, obviously my 3rd eye was working the other day... when I dreamt about him attacking me in my own home.. and all of the sleepless nights and today I woke up with an unexplainable rash and the feeling of just mush, drained, something missing.. The only day I slept without a nightmare was on ... tues... I think... sigh..

My sister and I just talked and talked about how can one person have so much confidence and ego to even think I was going to be this submissive Jap to call or email him back when I have not even text,emailed,or called ever since I left? GET THE CLUE for god sakes....

It was over on the day I left SC or even before I used to sit at the lake thinking of ways to leave millions of ways to leave without drama. I have no attachments anymore.
I mooooooooooved on.... IT WAS OVER I SAID MY GOODBYE! BUT....Why must I still have this drama queen making drama on me, DUDE.... it's like ef u ef u NO ef off mfckr. Excuse my language today. It's been a very long stressful day.

Must I go in hiding elsewhere now? Must I go to SD to my amigo's casa, or fly out of country for awhile? Should I go up north? (This is my fear talking ) .... then it hits me....
Hell NO!
I am finally doing things I wanted to do all my life.
My life is finally turning around with my computer graphics school, my friend PT's projects, writing songs/lyrics again, and dating. I'm not going to have him RUIN ME again. F*** that.

I almost threw up though, after the call. I couldn't breathe, my lungs, my heart felt like it's been twisted like a wet rag. In reality I am scared. My mind keeps saying "what would happen if he came when my family is not here to save me?""what do I do?" I was shaking when I heard "the voice" I am realizing that I am not as strong as I try to be... but HELL! I will fight this fear and live. My Passion of life is back and NOONE will take that away from me. EVER!

So, to get the funk out and get some happy times. My sister and I went to meet her friends for dinner tonight. The only chinese restaurant that I can eat at. Dim Tie Fung? Just about the best dumplings you can eat in So Cal. It's in Acadia. We had a great time, it took away the tension I had. After we went to Karaoke and just sung stupid songs to release the stress we both had. I am now drinking a cheap bottle of wine that has a happy face... it's not very good but I'm drinking it so I can drown myself to sleep... These past days been nigihtmares after nightmares... It was a message from within.. Telling me to watch yourself... watch your back.... sheeeba...

I should be thankful...
At least for a little while I was able to feel happiness. I felt beautiful and sexy... I felt I was the hot stuff.. ha ha ha..sigh... and now maybe that time is over too... can't let anyone get involved in this.

red red wine drown my fears away, let me fade into red so no other will see my pain.
beautiful rose I want to be ... fearless roar I want to feel...

red red wine drown my tears away... let me see the light of day... hallucination what I need today.. drown me with some weed today...

BOUNCE baby BOUNCE

one of my homework done. It's tedious as to trying to make it look real like bouncing at the right moment. I played with my nephew's super balls for a good hour to see how gravity plays with the rhythm of the bounce. hmm...The program looks like this.
I want to tweek it more but gotta do one more variation...

I am at home on a friday night..... sigh...

Today.... well let's just say.....busy?? It started out ok. Woke up at 6, went for a jog/walk for an hour, saw a raccoon on the way, not skunk. Applied for 10 different places for work. Tried to watch tutorials on adobe AE software without falling asleep.... yeah... trying to be productive! Trying to do something... It was a lovely day to go out... hike... mac mall... but NOoooo I am a nerd on the computer.

Then it was.... Play day at the house with running, screaming, whining, more screaming, crying kids of 6 for 2-3 hours. yeah... I shut my door and wished I had a lock on it.
I do love kids, just not 6 of them at the same time. I think I still have ringing in my ear from them..

Got a lot done. Finally figure out the animation conversion. My friend Pt and I were chatting online for good hours on the subject from animation to world views, politics, life, meaningful songs, movies, culture,rock bands, and the kind of band we would like to make. We even talked about the old posters of the band BTN ska. It was nice to have someone who actually gets me and understands me because most of the time people only see the outer exterior side of the character I portray so they say things like "you're so weird" or "you're so funny" to me. And if I start to discuss about the deep thoughts I have people start to distance themselves from me. So hey! what luck huh? I do have friends all over the world but they are not near me physically like the time difference is so different...
so it was nice to have a chat w/Pt today. I wish I could talk/chat like that with another... I was a little envious that he had an awesome bi-cultured k-wife who taught him all the new possibilities of life than to think single mindedly like this country we live in. I hope to find someone I could do the same, and really intuitively be connected with. Yes, a MAN would be preferably nice.

There was a lyric phrase he liked that really describes both of what we perceive/want our lives to be it went something like
"I don't want to be just a branch of the tree
I just want to learn how to grow my own seed"

Which one do you think you are? the branch or the seeker?

Friday.... oh yes Friday... usually a single woman on a Friday would go out...
NOT ME!!!!
TONIGHT! I happened to be the ULTIMATE AUNTIE M to the rescue!! At 5 I was helping making dinna. By 6 I was feeding my niece and nephew and little Maya some rice, sausages, teriyaki chicken, carrot, celery, tomatoes, radishes. Then played with the kids in the yard chasing and running and more screaming til' Maya's papa... oh today mama came... It was all worth it I guess because while dinna time Maya said, "I love you, Auntie M". AWWWWWWWWwwwwww my heart melted...but my heart ached for her at the same time...uh...m.........sigh..

While my sista went out to a nice restaurant in HB with her girlfriends I watched videos of insanely precise snipers with my bro in law and a little bit of supernatural reality show... creepy....

So here I am writing a blog on how pathetic I am on a friday night 9PM NO DATING, NO GOING OUT, just a bottle of smirnoff ice with me while I type... ok I'm out of ice need to get some more....sigh...

BUT A DAMN GOOD AUNTIE I MUST SAY!
It DON'T matter... she said I love you Auntie M.... that's all that matters right?!

Goal of 5-10 Applications per day

As I learn the beauty of animation and distance myself from the real world,
REALITY also hits me..

I need a job, GOD DAMN IT!

It has been a week since my incident of walking out of a s***ty job.

Now I really need to kick it up a notch.

I have been sending out at least 3-5 applications everyday. My recruiter is also sending some for me. I will not be defeated!!!! I want to work. I mean I would love to get paid doing computer graphics, music, animation or web design but the reality right now is that my friend doesn't have enough money to hire me, I can't go back to Japan for immigration purposes, I need more education to become like savvy web designer/ artist and COME ON I need any job so I can move out of this G-rated household (no offense I love my house right now)that is pitch black by 10PM!

I want to live by the beach! At least my goal is to live by the beach...I want alone time with candles and music not from a headphone. I want to soak in a bubbly tub without toys hitting my back. I want to be able to have friends over and have dinner parties... sigh...I want to buy dating dresses... but now is def not the time.

Thank GOD I saved enough money to be able to maintain without being broke but I have too much energy to be wasted at home.
I need a job... maybe I'll go find a waitress job... or like ... a dog sitting job... if I can't get anything... ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! What to do what to do..

My mother suggested me to go back to Hawaii the other day... She wants me back to be her partner in crime. Well, yes that was my first intentions when I left SC. Few weeks of LA that is what I was telling myself. And yes,,, Beautiful beaches, warm weather, beautiful bodies at the beach, ocean breeze, macadanian banana pancakes at kimos, long board beer on draft, strong j community to find work probably, free rent @ mom's.... it is tempting but that's not what I want right now. I think I have found something that keeps me here. Can't tell yet... my 3rd eye is not workin well lately...

AND the "ex" might be roaming around rumor has it in Hawaii. SO... No gracias pasare!
Lo siento, je suis desole, sono spiacente mama. I'll just stick to visiting and no mom I will not join dating service for sugar daddies and no there are no rich men around me. I'll pass on all thank you.

So where does that lead me? It leads me to make a goal of 5-10 applications per day. Something's bound to hit somehow!! Fingers crossed!!!


IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED A JJOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOB!

ok good night I'm going back to the animation homework.

Mixed like a margarita my brain goes mush

As I try to figure out my animation homework on rotations, positioning, opacity and so on… I succeed in making the blue sphere rotate while moving to left to right but….My mind is elsewhere…
I feel….. like I'm in turmoil. Lots of mixed emotions. Like the blocks of ice were different subjects of my life and now it's all blended in a mush and I can't control the outcome.
I am scared….
I am scared that what I am doing is wrong. I am scared that I won't get a job. I am scared that I am letting my emotions rule my head. I am scared that things are going too well.. I am scared that everything will be tumbling down soon. I am scared that I will be hurt…. on and on… I'm scared.. I'm scared…
Why must I be in such distress? Why must I feel sadness,fear, resentment, mixed emotions in all stages…? I ache I can't speak I ache Why do I feel I have to help? Who will help me then? It hurts…

how foolish I am.. to be so weak. I am suppose to be the strong one that was my persona and look at me now… Too afraid of every moment of my life… I know I've been brainwashed but really I want to tell myself "get over it" but I seem to fail…
I need to believe in myself like I have all my life…. stop stop my fear go away…

Get out of that COCOON DAMN IT!

This is typically what I say to myself everyday I wake up because

Mixed like a margarita my brain goes mush...

But, today for just a little I reminisce.
An innocent grin from a sleeping face... Peaceful and so naive.. beautiful... let me just smile & watch for awhile…. Please let me dream a good dream a little longer. just a little longer...

on more thing...

I woke up today 6:30am....with cold sweat... disturbed. I had a dream.... a nightmare... of the ex finding out where I am... barging into my room... and no one to help me... no one to save me...

I tried to look to see if there is a dream interpretation on what the message means... I can't find anything... I am scared shitless... I feel... drained..
Maybe the dream came because last night we were all talking of divorces, separations, break-ups and so on with our friend who is going through it as we speak. ( What a conversation to talk about on my sister's b-day,,,I didn't start it!!)

I almost drop a tear... I don't want to hear. I didn't want to hear it anymore.

I want happiness for my friends. I want happiness for anyone who are going through tough times right now. but.. There are lots of divorces lately it seems. Some are sad... angry..hurt.
I'm just glad I got away... I guess. I really don't want to be in that situation again.

I tell myself it's the past now. Enjoy day by day... I won't look back just forward...

I just want a warm body to be encircled/entangled in so I won't feel so scared... that's all.. is that too much to ask?

Yesterday Good Day

Yesterday, I woke up at 3:55 am. Thirsty and just wired!!! As you can see from the time I posted that STUUUUUPID video of my crochet obsession I woke up a bit too early and could not go back to bed. By little before 6am I was already out walkin and joggin. I had a burst of energy that needed simmerin. I have no idea why.

By 11am I was driving to my friend Pete's house to learn animation. It is no use vegetating at home when you can be learning something. So I went to beautiful Laguna Beach area. Beautiful down there with nature trails lots of parks, ocean breeze, it looks like a newer community so yeah.. awesome.
Pete and I were in a ska band when we were young together. SO many stories for catch up. We haven't seen each other since 94'.. I was the baby of the group. Age 16 while all the boys were 21. The only girl in the band, naive and clueless. It was fun talking to P cuz' he mentioned about all the love scandals between the members and their chicks and all that time I was clueless.I was off limits since I was a child. I think I had my first Japanese BF who was an actor at the time.don't remember.. hmmm. Sex, drugs, and rocking ska. I even got a fake ID so I could gig. wow... they were wild. My image of my members were that they were all pot heads, shrooming while I was just playing waiting to go to boston for college.
i just went to the beach, snowboard, played sax to kill time.I almost got suspended from school though cuz' I just was like... a typical outcast beach bum not attending school much anymore though I had great grades. hmm. I really wonder now if I stayed what would of happened to all of us.. The band.. anyways..

So, I learned to animate simple stuff and now I have homework this week on animation which will keep me busy for awhile. As one of my past time I had made my former guitarist from 3+3 Ban become one of the avatar. tell me what ya think.

Here is the original Avatar ad

Here is before the embellishment of Ban


And here is Ban after a make over from moi.

or this one


I AM SUCH A NERD!!!!LOL

My sister's B-day

Happy Happy Birthday to my number # best friend. My Sister Sal. Even little Maya was there to celebrate.
As we get older we don't celebrate b-days... I'm glad that our family at least get cake!!!

A slide show on crochet one of the most stupidest thing I've ever made

So, I was bored this weekend and spent my whole sunday afternoon making on of the most stupid-EST video on my obsession of crochet. It is absolutely just for my own pleasure of course. But if you like to see click play and you will see.
My sister says I need to utilize my time betta.
I think she is without a doubt correct.









Yup I need to get a life. I already know....

Anger Management by crochet go---figure!

Yes, it seems that I am at home just chilling with a bottle of heineken "light" listening to some old jams from the 80's. I just did not want to go out tonight. Especially not with the got no clue I have no interest in you man. I just wanted to play some chords and take some midol and just take it easy.

So, as I put my niece to bed... I got my yarn out... and the hooks...

During these 3 month of being in LA I have pick up a useful skill called crochet. I thought it was for only grannies but as my sister proved me wrong. It has been by far one of the cheapest and useful hobby I have ever started.

The yarn are about $1.00-5.00. You can make all kinds of things. I always end up making a hat or a bag. Some people make blankets, clothes, dolls, dish towels, etc. Well, I made a bag again tonight.But I'll post that later.

I first started to crochet for anger management & therapy. I just got out of a hideous relationship, then one week my love of life dog dies, self esteem at sub zero freezing temperature. I wanted to be so engrossed into crocheting so that I would be in my own world or just counting stitches. Like zen... like a dream...And you know what?!! surprisingly IT WORKED. It has gotten through these hard times all through these months being here. Now I actually enjoy the hobby more & more everyday.

My first project was a hat...
Supposed to be a kingdom hat that looked like this

but... turned..... FRO hat..like this


LOL I made it too big where it just looked like a rasta hat for pot heads.
I think maybe I was thinking of pot... How I wanted to just slip away from reality. When I was making it, I was pissed off about something but I don't remember now. See it works!!! Anger management by crochet!!

So, as my journey started with yarn, the hooks and patterns... I'll make a slide show of all the projects I have done later when I figure out how to do that on this blog.

Because I showed you the worst project first, I want to show you my #1 perfect project.
I actually love this one I made!!!

I mean not only did I make a beautiful hat perfectly round... PERFECTO!
I had my "just about the cutest Korean guy I have ever seen" guy, my neighbor to model my hat for me.
As crocheter, you tend to give your projects to people ALOT. That perfect hat is now with him now somewhere in the east coast, which I can not disclose.

When they say looks could kill... Well, this young man can with that asian sharp eyes!!!
Ladies!! The first time I saw him was long ago imagine.....
Nicely build tall for asian half naked man washing his porche across the street from your house on a hot sunny so cal day... The water making hint of rainbows around this young man. It was a slow motion music video so STEAMY lol....
You can not help but stare and say "OMG... Did I just die?I've gone to heaven!" YUP yup yup! LOL

As rumors say that he does some mean Latin salsa... Cannot wait for him to be a famous dancer!!

So much for side tracking... Back to crochet.... what??? oh yes..I was still seeing rainbows.. Tonight I made a blue market bag. Trying to be a little eco. But, I just have to find someone to model it for me.
So, I will show first market bag I made.
This is modeled by my friends' friend.

what do you think?

Ok I'm done for the night... If you are a crocheter you must see this blog hilarious:

http://whatnottocrochet.wordpress.com/

good night.

Me and my les paul reunite

I don't know how to explain what i am feeling right now... It's like rebirth. My passion is back!!! WHAT I've been looking and searching for all this time... 2?3? years? I feel again. I'm not numb anymore.
My heart is not a rock anymore. I feel the warmth. I FEEL again. I hear me. My melody. I could sing without tears falling down. And my les paul ... I took him out of the closet for the first time in 2 years. I had no remorse but just the greatest feeling of reunion.

Now, I have to go to the music store to buy a guitar pic. It seems all my music stuff is still in hawaii. Gotta get my computer back or buy one...

My really good friends are well aware of this but for all that don't know.... 3-4 years ago.. I just lost it... Lost my soul, my passion, somewhere down the line.. My melodies, my screams, my voice, all left me one day.. My work engulfed me. I got the writer's block and everything with it.
As I was teaching some of the biggest stars in Japan, I started to not be able to hear anymore.. My brain was shutting down like a dead battery. I had nothing to comment or say to my clients how to make them better, nor wanted to hear them anymore. I just went NUMB.

Through busy schedule and treated like s*** most of the time from record co. I just gradually lost passion of music. of life... Keeping the sorrow, anger, all the hazy emotions locked up in my heart made my heart of fire simmer cold into ice... I knew it was a red flag from my heart... So I packed up my bags and left my home..

I lost everything. My career, my pride, some friends, my fans... everything...

So, I went on a journey in search of passion. In search of me. The hardest years of my life.
It has taken me 3-4 years, til today. And oh boy what 3 years it has been. F****ing S**tty 3 years...of hell.

Maybe I'll tell you later about what I went through and how I got this far. Life really does work for a reason. Bad and good.

If I didn't walk out of that office, I would of still just grinded my teeth and persevere the torture of being there.

I feel as though I stood up for myself which I haven't done in a long time. It's a great comparison to .... like.... feeling like I just got laid!!! LOL.

So, today I woke up just graug-e--------- and couldn't wake up at all. But, my mind was set to apply as many jobs as possible since it's day 3 of umemployment.

As I was applying for any possible work with only one eye open I realized what ever I do that wasn't either music or CG are just gonna suck and I might as well just think of it as just a day job and have no passion at all. Then what am I to do with life?

Then I started to listen to all the songs I liked and then started to listen to my songs with the band...
Then I started to listen to all the unfinished songs I made. As I started to listen to them.... my heart started to sing with them... Then my mouth started moving... then my voice started to seep through my lips and I was.... singing again... no tears just a warm feeling of righteous love. I couldn't do that before without feeling of saddness and tears running like rain down my cheeks.
"
The last time I sang was two years in japan at my goodbye party. I couldn't sing the whole song... my voice was with no passion or love... mundane as it can be.. All my beloved friends knew and so my friends sang for me..

Then I wanted to play my guitar though I don't know how to play very well just power chords, so I digged up my les paul out of the closet. I was like a kid in a candy store.. All excited to see that sunburst shiny deliciously beautiful piece of art.

As I played I felt loads loads of weight shed off my shoulders. Too bad I don't have a band anymore. I guess I have to find one again.

All I know is I feel refreshed and just great. Like a shower after sex HAHAHAHA.
I am once again focused.

I think there are several episodes of life that led to my recovery which i will probably talk about later.

Right now and this weekend I think I'll be just having fun playing and singing and writing some lyrics.Maybe I'll make a band with my neice

BOREDOM GOT THE BEST OF ME

Oh what a beautiful morning to start the day!
DAY2 of unemployment: I decided not to get lazy and vegetate. I woke up as usual at 6 waking up to a song called "It's a beautiful day" and walking an hour with my sista S's dog. This is the pic when we started to walk. I like to take pictures of the sky. If I die I wanna be the sky above watching out for everyone, I think.

So, let us continue with my journey to happiness or not......
I made a stupid mistake of going on a date with someone I am absolutely I am not into...tues.. I will tell you later on this blog.

Now I usually do not like talking about my past relationship of love, lust, betrayal, sadness, or even happy times but I figured if this will help my friends go through their break ups, or issues of love ... I don't mind talking from time to time.

Sometimes it's better to hear about the horror love stories because deep inside even if you don't want to admit it ...
you would feel a little better about yourself because you KNOW you're saying in your head
"OMG, SHE/HE IS IN A WORSE STATE THAN I AM!!! THANK GOD MY LOVE WASN'T AS BAD AS HER/HIS"
Don't deny it you know you feel it inside. AND I HAVE A HANDFULL of just plain S**TTY stories to tell. I think I could laugh at them now cuz'I'm cynical dry humored and anything we do or say or experience is part of us and it makes us and it tell us what we want in life and in our soon to be partner or not a partner maybe we just want a booty call or I don't know LOL.

So, it's been three months since I've in LA. Coming out of a... a really bad relationship.... baaaaaaaa haaaaaaa D relationship. Last year, I met a man... tall and bald haole (white) salesman in hawaii. He was my age, zodiac matched good, and since I've never dated a southern white boy with no hair before... He was definitely NOT my type of men I'd date but I said to myself "WHAT THE HELL I'LL GIVE IT TRY". Well, it went sour really quick.
He started to say" I ALWAYS HAVE TO PAY for everything being with you is LIKE A JOB." The guy makes 100K ladies. and tells an unemployed gal to pay. Why because I was a Jap living in a luxury apartment w/mom that looked rich? I should of gotten rid of him long before but I ended up stayin w/him for a year. BAD CHOICE!!! Even went to SC. I think he was brainwashing me to be some submissive japanese wife. I believed all his continuous lies about buying the house, going places when his shoulder gets fix, all the things we would do together.... All lies... not even one went through.. I just waited and waited and...... waited for him..... Hoping that things would get better.. WHAT A PATIENCE GIRL I WAS. I WAS NEVER LIKE THAT BEFORE!!
BUT.,,,Didn't work well after all cuz' I became frustrated and started to regain myself and become stronger again. Working in japan for a month recording with my music buddies made me realized that I've never been treated so bad in my life. My rocker friends who sings metal were darlings. I think the last things the ex said to me that really hurt was: that I was the most expensive break up he had ever had. Or better yet, "I didn't want you to come to Charleston but you insisted"( the guy called everyday how I'm gonna love it there and can not wait to have me there) or " I was going to propose to you, so that's why we looked at rings" Oh this is christmas time "How do you tell your girlfriend she's fat without offending her. So I got you a wii" I gained weight cuz' all the places he wanted to eat was fried chicken or fried something. No veggies. and..The guy had a beer belly so big he looked like he was pregnant...
WELL SONNY, I paid thousands to move to ya place so shut the **** up a-hole. I don't know why I didn't leave sooner, I guess I was wishing for that victorian house by the water and playing a hunky dorry wife. I was afraid of him hitting me maybe...
There are more details but too gruelsome to describe. All I did was think of finding a way to leave without drama... Because he was a drama queen where ever we went. Complain to waitress, complain to retail shop, complain about something always not satisfied.

So when the guy started to say he doesn't feel passion, he wasn't SATISFIED with me... TING TING TING went the ringing bell. ALL ABOARD!!! TIME TO GO BYE BYE Don't wanna see you don't wanna know you. I let him dump me, so I could just leave and never come back. Let him act like a man so the drama queen in him doesn't go crazy on me. Picked up my bags and left. So fast I didn't realize what really happened. Now that I think back my love Jazz waited to die til we were back home with real love. poor jazz.. my lovely doggie...

So all ladies and gents who are going through separations and divorces...The guy betrayed me the whole 9 yards. Just think you're not alone.
If you would like to share the worst things your spouses said I am more than happy to listen.

Right now my ex have turn to annoying SOB stalking email dick... yup asking me to take him back...it's like HELL NO!! This gal has not even a hint of or should a say milligram of or ounce of love for ya. I moved OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOn. BYE BYE NEXT!!!
GOOD THING: he has no idea where I am. No address, no phone number... no receipts, no nothing. I cleared the house before I left. Not even a piece of hair he can lust over. HA!!!!!!! BAD THING: he knows where my mom lives in hawaii... i hope he doesn't go stalk her..
That is one of the reasons, I have been in the underground lately.

SOOOOOO, 3 months have passed. Monday, I just walked out of my job. TUESDAY MAY 4th. I was bored as hell.. So, what did I do? I went on a date with a guy I met online because...
1. The night before I only drank 2-3 beers and ate 3 swedishfishes.
2. Wanted to eat real food in a restaurant.
3. dress up and act like... all girly
4. just to get out of the house!

Is that wrong?
Now I didn't find him attractive at all from the get go, but you know I thought maybe intellectual talk over some cheap wine will just get the funk out of my body.

Well, turns out the guy was a complete BORE. B-O-R-E w/ a BIG B- so boring that he was yarning himself LOL
BUT YOU SEE I AM LUCKY my once again lucky self got a phone call from my good friends to save me.
We were at a casual restaurant near venice. Had some drinks and pasta. The guy talked about him...how he is trying to get a deal for his film which he recreates all kind of terrible things that happened to him on a date... hmmmm that sounds familiar..., how he started to work out to get in shape yes, he was a pear... no sex appeal... looked similar with my ex's body shape... that grossed me out... I feel bad for saying this but he had no intellectual comments to talk about.. The guy makes living working in retail... at the mall.. did not feel the ambition to strive for higher grounds... he slouches and he seems to have a bit of self esteem issues.(God damn my psychic eye was working again) BUT what am I to say I am unemployed DAY 2 to be exact...
The point is I went out because I wanted to be out and I did, but next time I must choose wisely on WHO I go out with.. CUZ YA KNOW IT JUST WILL TURN UGLY QUICK.

Oh my good friends from MDR called to tell me that they are in a restaurant right across where we were. THANK YOU GOD! GOD,YOU DO EXIST! So, we went there to meet up with them and lord behold there they were like saints with dialated eyes totally happy people I love you guys. The conversation went from bore to good old times, legalizing pot, great "coffee shop" in vancouver to go to, goin to hawaii, the 5th emmy my friend received last year and so on... The guy stopped yacking away, yeah!!!
I was saved at least for an hour before it was time to go.

So the time came to leave. I was trying to get into my car but the guy kept leaning on my door, so I couldn't get in. So, I tried to just hug and say goodnight.... but he..... tried to kiss me..... YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
Ok so I let him peck then he tried to go further and I just pulled him back and said
"I DON'T KISS on the first date" But he tried to kiss again so I turned my head hugged him and said thank you and pushed him AWAAAAAAAAYYYYYY! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! I went into the car and JUST GAGGED!!!! I was driving and continuously saying yuck yuck yuck yuuuuuuuuuuuck yuck yuck nooooooo he didn't yuck YUCK yuck....I looked like this in the car. ( this is my friend rock guitarist)


FOR ALL LADIES WHO HAVE BEEN KISSED WHEN YOU DID NOT WANT TO BE KISSED
These are some pointers to get rid of the slimy gross feeling!
1. have a bottle of water at all times in your car, so you can gargle or wash it out
2. have a good selection of gum and candy cuz' you are going to feel gross for awhile
3. have a really good friend to talk to about the gross ordeal. You will definitely
need comfort words or just someone to scream gross with you.
4. Have a great selection of happy songs in your ipod to make you feel a little better.
at least while you're driving.
5. Cross all of the above and find someone absolutely delicious to kiss. SMACK THAT LIP
on to his or her or both.

Ok I got all of 1-4... gotta work on number 5.

Now if you DO want to be kissed by that drop dead hunk/BEAUTY you've been eyeing.
1. Eat the same candy or gum he or she is eating, easier transition of saliva LOL.
2. Have your lips juicy at all times.
3. If ya need lil help the Pheromones love potions works... the cholas in the pharmacy
used to use it often... but it smelled like... bathroom.. to me I don't know.
4. Don't yack!!! yack!! yack!!!

Who am I to be giving pointer when I've been caged for a year and cocoon my nature. LOL
RIGHT? My friends, you all know more pointers than me feel free to comment on these. Love to hear from you.

So, the lesson I learned on TUES... STOP WITH THE "OK I'll give it a TRY" SCENARIO. IT DON'T WORK. IT NEVER WORKED BAD Results. BAD ME. Concentrate on finding better job.

The sad thing is the next day he was still asking me to go to his pad to watch "movies" on saturday. I said no I'll pass and never wrote back but he still came back with let me know when I am free..... he didn't get the point. The guy actually thought he still has a chance...
OH VwELLLLLLLL

Now I must leave you and say until next time. What will I write next...
My bestfriend JB clip I hope you can see it . He is amazing as usual.

http://www.facebook.com/?tid=1264339297189&sk=messages#!/video/video.php?v=1073435357187

THE DAY I WALKED OUT AND NEVER WENT BACK

Good Evening... This is my first post on my blog. I decided to write a blog after oh I don't know 2-3 years of hibernation.
There are reasons for that but let me tell you that another time.
A special friend suggested me to write an autobiography about my life because basically my life is like a manga (J-comics).
Always something new, always strange events, drama ( not me but around me), funny accidents, and much more. So, I will start this blog as a practice round before I write a book about my crazy life.

NOTE:
If you happen to feel that a character I bring up is you..... It probably is but please do not sue me as I will use initials or fake names to protect the privacy as much as I can.
I may also use profanity in many cases and probably LOTS of racist and sarcastic comments that may offend you, so please I apologize before starting.
I tend to mind boggle so, I may start talking about totally different subjects. Sorry but hey! This is my f****** blog.

Now that is all settled!

This blog is dedicated to all my friends who have supported me through out my life which makes me who I am today good and bad..

SO,I am not going to talk about my past or background just yet.. not today.

I am going to talk about Monday, May 3,2010.

The day I walk out and never went back!

As I told my friends in a newsletter, I was working in a publishing company that publishes Japanese Gay Porn Comics into english.

I worked as an e-commerce sales associate, basically online shop of porn comic books. YUP a great job if you were either: gay, lesbian, hentai, or just fans of adult comics. CUZ' YOU GET TO SEE IT EVERY DAY FROM MORNING. I was never a fan actually I almost threw up seeing some of the... how can I say these contents of SM play in the book trying to find perfect marketing slogans to sell the damn thing.

Well, I had been there for about 3 month and it was time for my evaluation....

BTW, I hated the job. But I got this job on the same week I came back from Charleston, SC. I thought this was god's sent present for me after this horrible episode in my life.
That was a complete delusion on my part. Too optimistic sometime I tend to be...

As I went to work on that day... I was completely drained of my energy, I felt as though I didn't sleep all night.. Felt un-controlling uneasiness. Feeling of nasea and just a feeling of ...." moodiness"...and sadness...

But I held strong and work like a hawk then went to a meeting to find out what my salary is going to be and what my future holds for me in this company...at least for the time being..

The manager stated that my salary would not be even a dollar more in hourly wages which was in the low tens.. no overtime, then she knew that I interview for the production assistant position and said you'll never get there. She was putting me in the e-commerce section for good. ...bitch...

I knew it was going to be ugly but this was more than bad. In the first offer the company assured me that I will get more than 30K at least.... GONE!!!...
Then they said everyone has to go through the e-commerce until their probation is over then you will switch to other postions.... WRONG!
They promised me other things that were all lies. DUDE!!! NO WAY!!

So naturally I was let's just say a bit PISSED OFF. But to make it short, in all the talks later the president came and started to yell and blame at me for complaining about the poor management which I was not the manager. The manager tricked me to be scolded at... The other employees also did not take the blame and in the end....

My patience faded like an empty gas tank and hot air came out of my mouth.

I basically told my manager "I don't efing deserve this s***, you don't pay me enough to listen to this bull****, ef you and your whole company and I'm not coming to work tomorrow" and left..

I just strutted out the door and never looked back. I should of stolen office goods or anything of value.. DAMN!

I was SO tired from the not sleeping right, So pissed from all the lies, but most of all SO PISSED AT MYSELF for losing my cool and So PISSED that my tears were falling and I was left really sad that I couldn't call anyone to hold me.. haha... I knew that tarot card faced the death card. death .... start a new phase.. it's ok... I knew all along why am I so M on times like this. OH Sh** I JUST WALKED OUT of work for the first time in my life but that more S right?

I went home and as soon as I got home the manager called to tell me to calm down and she talked to the president and they were going to give me more than 30K and etc etc and how I should stick it out till the final offer comes..

Well, as I was downing a bottle of beer to drain the frustration and sorrow.
I politely said I will think about it and wrote a resignation letter stating I will not come in ever again..

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
Things always happen for a reason... Because right after the incident my japanese head hunter called to talk about two positions that might be a good job for me.
And my friend from the old band is teaching me animation so I could go for what I intended to all this time. I guess all is good... but why do I feel so sad...oh well

So at the end of the day, I worked on the japanese resume all night drinking another bottle of anything that had alcohol and with my headphones blasting upbeat dance music to change my mood..

I think my lesson on this day is once again. Listen to your sensitive intuitions... trust within you'll know