I'm excited and scared

I got my keys to my new apartment by the beach. I need to go measure tomorrow and put in some boxes.
Oh my god, I have a place of my own now... wow...

Moving.. next week

My dream to live walking distance to the beach is almost complete.
Next week I will sign a contract for a tiny loft "1" block away from the beach.
I can also walk to trader joe's, coffee shops, restaurants, yoga, bristol farm, cute shops and etc.

It's even pet friendly if I want a pet.

Then when I have enough money, I am going to buy my self a bicycle to cruise on beach walk.

I can even see the ocean from my windows for less than 1000 mo. I guess some things are good.

Finally on my own... yay!!!

Trying to move on.

I went to Venice beach today. Trying to feel the vibe if I like to live there.
Well, I guess I am not ready yet to venture out.
I also looked for a new pair of shades because I had left it behind...I wish I could get it back...
It's hard to find shades that I like.
it's even harder to find a watch with mickey mouse in it.
I am kind of disappointed that it was not sent back to me.

I think I'll be moving into my new place next month in RB. If things goes well I'll be one block away from the beach in a tiny studio w/ a loft. Enough to fit me and only me.

yah,
My first goal I made to myself will be accomplished.

work work work so I don't feel

Monster ad header for interplace inc. Design by me

Consultants at work were specialists not only for work. The ladies gave me tutorials of how to catch the right fish.
1. Never say you know how to cook.
2. Never say you know how to massage.
3. Never say you know how to clean.
4. Always have the fish pay for you cuz' you are a divine delicacy from the exquisite and rich high quality J islands.
Because, once you do any of the above the fish will make you bait not mate.

I wished I knew them a little earlier...hard lessons learned...I am an exotic delicacy that should not be easily caught...

latest project interplace inc.

Logo Design for Interplace, inc. staffing agency, my first design work for my work.
it's for adwipes to give to clients and applicants. adwipes.net

...

when you're working, you don't think. It's when you are all alone in your room when the sadness smear your heart.
I really had high hopes. Even with all the differences. I did believe for a brief moment that love will conquer all.

Even now I still want to believe that all will mended. Silly isn't it?

It's as though I am wishing for LA to snow in August.
all lost... because of my fear of neglect and my impatient bad temper. sigh..

work, so I won't think anymore. that's all I can do..now...

A good friend to screw my head back in place

My friend Pt and I talked about the website and few other things tonight.

Realized that:

I don't have time to be sulking over the hurt and the pain blah blah blah.

I am priceless and if I'm not worth fighting back for then Oh well..

It's a shame but not my loss.

I felt like crying all day, but I think Pt screwed my head back in place so I know where I should be focusing on.

animation, work, school,music and apartment hunting.

And if I do want to splurge, I have no problem finding a date it seems.
I'll just leave my heart locked away at home, that's all.

I guess I'll keep some of my dresses after all. got new shoes to compliment them too.

head to toe in Calvin Klein... yeah...ese bueno.

and if I sound like a total B-tch? I guess some of my old rocker self is still in me.
The part I hid in past relationships. Well, I'm not gonna be some submissive jap to wait on guys anymore. F**k that.

I'm moving to a new phase in life and who ever catches me must be in the right frame of mind.

regrets

I regret many things said. But, it had to be said.

I regret saying hurtful things, but I hurt long before inside...

I don't deserve another heartbreak after what I had to go through.

My heart is just too fragile.

With all that's been done, I still have "love" for you.

I hope you will learn to truly love again.

Find your other half that makes you whole.

I wished I made you whole...

I'm sorry I couldn't make you... whole.

Girl's bestfriend

They say girl's best friend is diamonds. I differ, it is the plastic that pays for it or the person who has the plastic is your best friend. I have lots of Mr. plastics in my bag.

Mr. plastic played a great role at "the grove" today. Searching for new sunglasses I came back with 4 cute dresses instead(all on sale). I know now why mom and grandma went shopping ALOT. They felt sad and needed to feel beautiful... for at least a little while.
I bought all these dresses but no one I want to date anymore... so..um.. yah..
I probably will return most of the dresses later.

I ditched class today. Went out to town and had lunch at THE original farmer's market and shopped at Nordstroms.

Needed to distract the feeling of stupidity of being pissed off and
the anger that still linger within from being "the fool" again.
Sadness that my hopes were all but a wishful thinking.
Disappointment.. in all of my judgments I have made.

It's always the same when I start to trust and open my heart... sigh...
I should of never opened my heart...

never should of trusted anyone...
should of just put on a mask..
and played the role...
numb the soul...
be a plastic doll...

just like before...
so I won't feel anymore...

un-special...
is all I know...

What a fool to even believe... at all...

I wish...

I wish my dog was still alive to kiss my tears away... or at least rub my tears all over his fur

fingers on the keyboard

I woke up with my hands on the keyboard of my laptop. I fell asleep working on the web.. or at least tried to work on the website. I don't even remember when I fell asleep. I have way too much on my plate right now..

Today at work, I felt like a man. There was a roach on the wall and all my co-workers (5 ladies) plus the president (male) were scared of it. So I had to catch it and kill it with tissue and bare hands. In my new tight calvin klein grey dress with black pointy boots I felt like the man of this office. How ... sad...
I guess at least I looked GOOD and DAMN SEXY in my new dress. Ha ha ... sigh...

I had a bloody nose tonight and felt I really wanted to call and have comfort words preferably a sexy manly voice. I wanted to have someone take care of me for once. or at least give me a warm hug or something...
So who did I call?

No one...

cuz' I don't need to be a burden.I don't want for anyone to feel that I am a burden
....but maybe that is my problem not asking...not showing my wants...

like not telling bluntly about my birthday when I should of just said celebrate with me, not asking firmly to go places together, or simple as I want a drink damn it! blah blah blah...

It's so stupid... Expecting a man to take the lead these days...THAT is wishful thinking for SURE!

I need to be stimulated! I need to feel beautiful! At this rate, with killing roaches and feeling manly I might turn BI or participating in the L word.

arghhhhh.

OK that is way too much mind boggle.

All I know is

I don't feel special....

I don't feel beautiful...

I don't know.... connection fading...

I feel... distance...

I am so so tired...

I am so tired... I need to take a shower... I need to work on my projects... sigh... I didn't have time to eat breakfast or dinner today...and I only ate cup noodle at lunch. My co worker asked me if I needed to borrow money. She thought I didn't have money. oh well...I'm just saving so I could move out... but too tired to explain.

at least I don't have school tomorrow.. I could work on my web after work. I haven't worked out lately too...
Sick of smiling all day... My cheeks hurt...
I didn't even watch the game today... too busy at work...

I had a good time at school tonight. My teacher likes to pick on me cuz' I already know that crap we do in class and so I just socialize with my classmates. She still likes me obviously cuz' she remembers my name. I think it's a love hate relationship. She remembers the Teacher Assistant's name, the only three men in the class and me, in the group of maybe 25 or more. We have to put up name signs on the computer but even w/o my name tag, she calls on me. I am sort of the smart ass... that is off in my la la world while she explains to others. The recently divorce blondie man also tries to talk jokes to me, I wonder why?

Both of my photoshop and CG class like me, cuz' I do the job and there is really not much that they can tell me to make it better!!! HAHA HAHAHAHa
Yesterday, J my teach was totally loving my art. daz good... She better, it's my angel piece that eventually i am going to blow it up into a big poster.

Oh well, I enjoy talking to my classmates. I like people who are passionate and inspiring. They have a goal in life. Something that makes each one of them shine.
It makes me feel motivated.
I think we all help each other bring up the energy levels in the class. I hope I'll keep in touch with a few after the class is over.

ok shower then web.. though I would love to be sleeping with warm arms surrounding me... instead... ha ha wishful thinking...sigh...

melancholy.... mind boggle

My little jazz is an angel now. I almost cried making him like this. But he was my angel..

I had a hard time sleeping last night as I will again tonight probably because I was mind boggling again about ...

LOVE.

In the confusion of thoughts I know one thing.... I am yearning for love. and..
If that be a relationship then so be it.

Love is essential in our lives.
Love takes in so many forms.
Love is also a process. It starts with attraction, connection, then to intimacy toward commitment.

Plato once said: We always search for the other half to become whole.
Socrates said: We seek and desire that which we do not have.

I believe that we DO need someone to love,trust,share and have feedback to make us complete as a whole.
I want to be with someone who makes me feel like the most important person in the world, that I am beautiful & special to him/her and vice versa.
I want to feel as though I am the only one in the lover's heart.

special...

When A asked me about relationship and I answered unsure... it's because I felt I need to develop a real connection before a committed relationship. If I can not attain the feeling of complete whole with a potential lover.. is being in a relationship wise?
Wouldn't you just be hurting the other by kind of sort of not feeling 100% about him/her?

Being in a relationship because of loneliness doesn't cut it either. That is just disrespect for the other.

I hate people who play with people's feelings. Who manipulate and try to brainwash you to get something from you. I gave too much in my last relationships and gain painful heartbreaks... so I think wise choices are necessary.

Love is also respect for each other. and I feel too old to play games after games.

I mean inside all of this, SEX plays a definite major role. If you are not physically attracted toward your potential partner THEN you can kiss the relationship goodbye because it's just not going to work. Even the love therapists says so. If the sex ain't good .... yah.... you already see the ending.

I have been reading a book on love...
The author states that to have a successful relationship we should try to find our psychological opposite that will complement each other. Two personalities opposite from each other makes infinite possibilities.Maybe so..

I know that whatever Hwood feeds us with unrealistic views on love are BS.

What will come of me? Who knows...

All I know is I want to feel special... If I can't then he/she is not for me.

I say he/she because I don't know what the future will bring for me. doubt it but who knows.

photoshop semi final project.

Taking 1 day at a time.

My sister, GF A and I had lunch together today. They are the only few near me that I am able to truly express my deepest feelings which is REALLY hard for me to do...

One of my best friends in Japan always tell me.

"Your gift is when you sing & create. That is when your emotions/passion TRULY appear, but you SUCK at communicating when NOT on stage. You're an artist with zippers for lips."

She is right. I search for words to express but like a bad connection on the internet, I just keep struggling to find words to explain how I feel. Or I just give up on the way.

If they don't ask, I tend to wait with no reply.

Today at lunch...
We talked about the new job I have acquired and A gave me a good advice.

"It's a job to meet the means only,not your passion. Just a job nothing more. Don't hate the job."S said"It's just the security you need right now."
They are right. A & S always have the right words to say.

A said she thinks she is ready to have a relationship, finally. That's wonderful. It's been awhile. I love A. She is so pure and so beautiful. I pray she will find her soulmate.

I, on the other hand is still unsure.

Fear of being betrayed plays a big part of trust.
(Gone through the loops way too many times.) I believe I have a hard time trusting people, especially men. That is why I have a great wall of China around my heart these days.
My mind boggle starts to form asking questions like:

How do I know he's trustworthy?
Should I date other men to see if my main interest is definitely on this particular man?
Does my schedule allow me to consider relationship?
Are we really compatible?
Am I ready to fully devote my heart, my spirit, my soul for a person?
Is he ready to accept me?
Does he think of me in the same stature? etc etc.

See???
I contemplate on these questions then I lose words to speak.
And if I am not feeling the full attention then I just leave it be. I am sick of being the only one giving all the time. I want change.
Is that wrong? Do I have too high of expectations?

I did have a bit of a "moment" this weekend watching all small babies and almost all couples at the party.I felt like Bridget Jones at the dinner party for couples drinking to numb the soul. Trying to be the humble one and leaving alone... yah...
I thought I'd be married by now or at least with a significant other.
But in reality, I am single trying to establish a new life.
Starting over at 37 again.. I guess I do have gutts though.

In the end of the day, I just slap my cheeks couple times and say
"'DA hell are you thinking about! Get it together now M. U had a good day. That's what matters. Concentrate on your projects M. Free yourself. Let yourself shine with creativity again.
Take 1 day at a time. DON'T RUSH!
And if your partner in crime do exist, HE will come to you.
Just stay true to your heart. Believe...

Live M LIVE!"

my pajamas

When I saw this at the store on saturday, I don't know what came over me... all I know is I woke up wearing them today. HAAAA

bubbles

we had a block party with LOTS of kids. The fun-est time for me was making bubbles... and jumping in the jumper. I didn't feel good so I went home and laid down.

We also have a great spot for fireworks just down to the corner of our street.
Today was... interesting. So, my italian neighbor Mrs. M have been trying to hook me up with a guy she knows.Real estate dude as M says. He was there at the party. But, I left to work on website while he was asking for me. I did see a glimpse of him before I left but didn't know THAT was the guy. OH WELL.. Not really feeling it.

Then I got an email from someone I met online a while back. He wrote "i have only gone on 1 more date after i saw you, its tiring, or maybe im too lazy?people say i am too picky maybe you set the bar too high? "
Awww... He does say the cutest things. We went to the movies I believe and had a great time laughing most of the time at dinner. He plays ice hockey... I think.... It's a shame though, he is a really cute JA guy. but No sparks... Just a really nice friend type. The kind you can talk for hours and hours laughing but not physically/sexually aroused at all. He had a sweet ride though...oh well again..

and yesterday was another guy asking me out out of the blue. A Tall bald animator/ photographer who is a ski junkie. Yeah, no sparks again. What a shame...

What is really up with me lately? It seems I am popular for some odd reason.
I am surprised with these happenings.

Maybe I need to wake up from this dream soon. Cuz' I am definitely not looking right now.

so "men doku sai"

Should I stay of should I go.. Happy 4th.

Kids are running and screaming and playing right now. I am hiding in my room watching them from my window. I should go and greet all the neighbors. I am a bit hungry...

I am tempted to go shopping instead...

But, I stay working on my website since I have little time. I need to do something.

Maybe, if my stomach isn't so bad I will head to A's party... in LG...new single people... hmmmm...

Should I stay or should I go...

That is the question of the day...

I think I'll go play with the kids. They got bubbles.

I don't feel so well again...

I must say David Villa is awesome. And he looks good too! Great game today.. Yes, I did wake up just to watch soccer. I also like xavi and ramos. since japan is way out of the picture. It doesn't matter what team wins, just show me some great plays.

My tummy on the other hand haven't been 100% since last night. I hope I am ok...

Couple invitations to tomorrow's celebration. I may not go to any of them due to all the work I still have for the VIS website... and if I want to do anything... my street is having a block party... so yeah...

I was asked on a date yesterday via email from a person I totally forgotten about and kindly rejected his offer. I am so not there... my heart is elsewhere...

The meeting last night with Pt made me realize I have so little time but so much to learn. I feel as though I am struggling to organize my time effectively due to the addition of 9-5 job. I passed out last night due to overdose on ibuprofen and fatigue.

Am I taking in too much to handle??? Probably, I am overwhelmed in so many ways.... but yearn for more?? yes... I even want love...like the icing on the cake.

I must find a balance....I will find a balance...

But for now... I work on the webiste...and wish you all...


Have a great fourth of July mi amigos. Drink a lot for me.

My korean Friend

So my former roommate/friend wrote today. They seem to struck big in Korea. They have their real recording studio now. That's wonderful.

I am so tired I don't know what to say. I am just hoping my stomachache is from drinking too much coffee and lack of sleep. I took ibuprofen but my migraines are killing my nerves. I don't feel so well...

I wished I could of seen the world cup soccer game today. I wanted to see ghana... I have to wake up early tomorrow to see..... 7am and 11:30am.... maybe only11:30am...

I'm too tired... zzz