August 6

I woke up that 5:30am today. I had a nightmare. Sometimes I feel so insecure. I feel so unaccomplished. I ask frequently.."what happened?" "what did you do to your life?" "why did you leave it behind?" "what is it that you want in life?"

Sometimes I can't believe at myself leaving my life of music behind and pursuing a life that might not bloom or flourish... I mean look at me right now... with an admin job to pay the bills, going to school night time but not really learning anything from it as I like. Not getting a creative job and making twice or three time less than when I was in Japan...

The fact of being able to live alone by the beach and being close to family is probably the only good thing going.

I am disappointed in where I am in life. Even the men I date are... how can I put it, not intellectually compatible. None of them motivate me enough to stay interested.
The fact of telling myself "This time I am starting from scratch ground zero so things can't get any worse" is almost like a broken record.

I really hope that I will be able to step forward by this move. Leave the past behind and really move on with my life.

I should put a limit on my career path.. like if I don't succeed as a creative graphic designer by two-three years... I should go back to Japan and return to music business.
or like if I don't find a person to share my life with in 2-3 years... f*** the dream of making family...just have boy toys to play with.

Why so pessimistic? I guess it's frustration of not making money like I used to... Still bitter about disrespect. Wearing a suit to work... Having a 9-5 job... wearing a plastic mask everyday so I don't show face.. not being who I am...

oh well... from next week I will just have to contemplate about life watching the ocean from my window. or just walk to the beach I guess... I already bought me some red wine to compliment the mood. I guess I did get what I want. Being closer to my sis.. and a pad at the beach...Being able to live as a regular girl with hope... now I just have to work on like condiments such as boyfriends... yes with a "s".

and lastly not be so bored with life...