Taking 1 day at a time.

My sister, GF A and I had lunch together today. They are the only few near me that I am able to truly express my deepest feelings which is REALLY hard for me to do...

One of my best friends in Japan always tell me.

"Your gift is when you sing & create. That is when your emotions/passion TRULY appear, but you SUCK at communicating when NOT on stage. You're an artist with zippers for lips."

She is right. I search for words to express but like a bad connection on the internet, I just keep struggling to find words to explain how I feel. Or I just give up on the way.

If they don't ask, I tend to wait with no reply.

Today at lunch...
We talked about the new job I have acquired and A gave me a good advice.

"It's a job to meet the means only,not your passion. Just a job nothing more. Don't hate the job."S said"It's just the security you need right now."
They are right. A & S always have the right words to say.

A said she thinks she is ready to have a relationship, finally. That's wonderful. It's been awhile. I love A. She is so pure and so beautiful. I pray she will find her soulmate.

I, on the other hand is still unsure.

Fear of being betrayed plays a big part of trust.
(Gone through the loops way too many times.) I believe I have a hard time trusting people, especially men. That is why I have a great wall of China around my heart these days.
My mind boggle starts to form asking questions like:

How do I know he's trustworthy?
Should I date other men to see if my main interest is definitely on this particular man?
Does my schedule allow me to consider relationship?
Are we really compatible?
Am I ready to fully devote my heart, my spirit, my soul for a person?
Is he ready to accept me?
Does he think of me in the same stature? etc etc.

See???
I contemplate on these questions then I lose words to speak.
And if I am not feeling the full attention then I just leave it be. I am sick of being the only one giving all the time. I want change.
Is that wrong? Do I have too high of expectations?

I did have a bit of a "moment" this weekend watching all small babies and almost all couples at the party.I felt like Bridget Jones at the dinner party for couples drinking to numb the soul. Trying to be the humble one and leaving alone... yah...
I thought I'd be married by now or at least with a significant other.
But in reality, I am single trying to establish a new life.
Starting over at 37 again.. I guess I do have gutts though.

In the end of the day, I just slap my cheeks couple times and say
"'DA hell are you thinking about! Get it together now M. U had a good day. That's what matters. Concentrate on your projects M. Free yourself. Let yourself shine with creativity again.
Take 1 day at a time. DON'T RUSH!
And if your partner in crime do exist, HE will come to you.
Just stay true to your heart. Believe...

Live M LIVE!"