If I could only say ....

"Hope you're well...."
I wished I could say "no ... I am not... come save me...please.." I know ...all but a wishful thinking inside my head.

I want to be held...encircled by strong but loving arms. I want to be told everything is gonna be ok.. I want to sleep peacefully warm without fear...

I don't have the courage to ask...i guess. and I won't forgive myself for bringing anyone into this mess that I have no control over.

If I could I would say "come away with me, let's go somewhere just the two of us.." haha...sigh...

Fantasizing is fun I suppose. At least in my daydream I am in control...

In reality I am so reckless, drained and disturbed... and I have no energy to fight for the new love to be... How can I when this drama linger on from the past which I have no control over...

My communication skill down to zero. Writing the most superficial sentences the very words I despise most cuz' I'm afraid it's just too much.... I'm too much to handle...
I can't ...

So I hide in my shell like a true cancerian. Put on a painted mask, act as if everything is ok.

but... I'm not ok...

I want to change..

I know I have to change...

I do...