What a F*cking IDIOT!?!?!... SERIOUSLY

Caller: " Hi, this is M's ex-BF C, can u tell me where I can reach her?"
Sista S: " I don't think she wants to talk to you"
Caller:" Well, can u just tell her that I called and please tell her to call me back or email me?"
Sista S: " ....okay?! bye??!!"

Seriously? Do ya think my sister is really going to give out my number and my whereabouts to the only person I never want to see? WHAT A F*CKING IDIOT. The guy didn't even know it was me who answered the phone....
Thank god I have the same voice as my sister. Seriously... F***

So, now he found my sister's number.... maybe I need to go away again. You know it is really easy to find people's address if you just pay like 30 bucks online? I am hoping the guy is cheap as he was (salesmen, you get the picture) so he won't come to find me...

So, obviously my 3rd eye was working the other day... when I dreamt about him attacking me in my own home.. and all of the sleepless nights and today I woke up with an unexplainable rash and the feeling of just mush, drained, something missing.. The only day I slept without a nightmare was on ... tues... I think... sigh..

My sister and I just talked and talked about how can one person have so much confidence and ego to even think I was going to be this submissive Jap to call or email him back when I have not even text,emailed,or called ever since I left? GET THE CLUE for god sakes....

It was over on the day I left SC or even before I used to sit at the lake thinking of ways to leave millions of ways to leave without drama. I have no attachments anymore.
I mooooooooooved on.... IT WAS OVER I SAID MY GOODBYE! BUT....Why must I still have this drama queen making drama on me, DUDE.... it's like ef u ef u NO ef off mfckr. Excuse my language today. It's been a very long stressful day.

Must I go in hiding elsewhere now? Must I go to SD to my amigo's casa, or fly out of country for awhile? Should I go up north? (This is my fear talking ) .... then it hits me....
Hell NO!
I am finally doing things I wanted to do all my life.
My life is finally turning around with my computer graphics school, my friend PT's projects, writing songs/lyrics again, and dating. I'm not going to have him RUIN ME again. F*** that.

I almost threw up though, after the call. I couldn't breathe, my lungs, my heart felt like it's been twisted like a wet rag. In reality I am scared. My mind keeps saying "what would happen if he came when my family is not here to save me?""what do I do?" I was shaking when I heard "the voice" I am realizing that I am not as strong as I try to be... but HELL! I will fight this fear and live. My Passion of life is back and NOONE will take that away from me. EVER!

So, to get the funk out and get some happy times. My sister and I went to meet her friends for dinner tonight. The only chinese restaurant that I can eat at. Dim Tie Fung? Just about the best dumplings you can eat in So Cal. It's in Acadia. We had a great time, it took away the tension I had. After we went to Karaoke and just sung stupid songs to release the stress we both had. I am now drinking a cheap bottle of wine that has a happy face... it's not very good but I'm drinking it so I can drown myself to sleep... These past days been nigihtmares after nightmares... It was a message from within.. Telling me to watch yourself... watch your back.... sheeeba...

I should be thankful...
At least for a little while I was able to feel happiness. I felt beautiful and sexy... I felt I was the hot stuff.. ha ha ha..sigh... and now maybe that time is over too... can't let anyone get involved in this.

red red wine drown my fears away, let me fade into red so no other will see my pain.
beautiful rose I want to be ... fearless roar I want to feel...

red red wine drown my tears away... let me see the light of day... hallucination what I need today.. drown me with some weed today...